As of a few hours ago I was hanging out in the Library with the gays (Gianluca, Kurt and later on Aaron). While on facebook, I received a message from an unexpected person. The message “hello,” short, sweet with a hint of awkwardness on my part from none other than Jack. This has been the first communication with the ex since the time we parted ways.
Anecdote: It had been over a month since Jack and I have seen each other, I was in college and he had started a rigorous junior year of high school. When his school had an in-service day, he asked to come up to visit. I of course said “YES!”, my intentions were to show this hunk of a man off to my college friends. Little did I know his motivations were much different.…Skip ahead…. I was on the sidewalk on my razor scooter, when he pulled up, I said hello and got in the car. We didn’t kiss. He parked. After some intense beating around the bush I told him to tell me “what’s on your mind?” He answered, “I cant be with you any more…….”
I know, I know heart breaking… But it was a clean break. I mean I expected it to come. And it was even better that he did it in person, because that is just the type of boy he is (upright, honest, good hearted). I know it sounds like I was in love with him. For a time I was. At least I think I was. I can’t say that I think I know what love is, but I know how I felt, and he always made me feel good (emotionally, mentally and physically). I see now that were more than just physicality, but that seems to be what I tell myself to spare myself the loss. Back to my story. So unexpectedly I was talking to Jack. Of course me being the ex, I had to know, “was he with any one new?” His answer was that he was interested. In a GIRL!!! Someone I know. I congratulated him, we learned about the nuances of each other’s lives and I told him about Kurt. The conversation ended civilly and we promised to talk again soon.
Later on my way back home I was contemplating. Thinking about my time with jack. The first time we kissed. Made love. Gushy stuff like that. Then I pictured him kissing Suzzana (my name is so much better), it didn’t feel right. I am jealous. I miss the feeling of the stability. The relationship. I want it back. Why can’t I have a messy break up so I can hate the guy, instead of being trapped in nice-guy limbo? Why am I jealous, I haven’t thought about Jack in weeks? Why now?
