I guess

So most of the time that I write on this blog its because I am depressed and sad and right now I am feeling all those things. I don't know if I will feel better anytime soon, all I can do is sit and wait. Recently I have had some trouble in my life, I guess you can say it centers around me actually saying what I want... So I thought I would just say it. Everything that I can think of. For as long as I can remember. Here it goes..
I want...

A husband
A dog
A love that can conquer any distance
Someone to bring me flowers when I don't feel good or just to make me feel special
For someone to make me dinner
A full body massage
Life Long friends
A career
To travel
To be thought of
To know I am being thought of
To be considered
To be taken care of when I am sick
To be held
To be whispered all the things someone loves about me
To travel
To go on an adventure
To make a name for myself
To be caressed
To be covered in butterfly kisses
To be proposed to
To have a house
To hold hands in public
To have a family
To be kissed in public
To fall asleep on the couch or where ever and be carried and put to bed
To be told "I love you" every night
To have a body worth showing
Someone to hold me when I cry
To make love
To feel weak in the knees
To lose control
To sleep deeply
To never be angry
To trust
To let go
To love
To learn
To have a job
To get in to medical school
To know what I think and feel matters not just to me
To see a result
To have my efforts recognized
To get what I want...
To give someone else what they want
To have money
To conquer a fear
To eat healthier
To be told "I love you" or "your beautiful" for no reason
To take a leap of faith
To be married
To grow old with 'him'
To know I am secure
To not have to worry
To not worry
To not be so guilty
To never be lied to
To be told the truth
To be able to take criticism
To know someone is proud of me
To know 'he' is proud of me
To be appreciated
To be understood
To be accepted
To wake up next to 'him'
To never fear breaking up
To never hear the words "I don't love you anymore" again
To be talked to
To not having to start a conversation
To allow my self to be loved
To do the right thing
To do what someone wants
To not to assume so often
Someone to assume what I want
Someone to do things for me. Little things. Like getting me a glass of water without me having to ask
To curl next to a warm fire
To share a Kiss in the snow
To be together during a storm
To be given something for no reason besides love
To sleep peacefully with 'him'
To learn many languages
To not be so hostile
To not be so mean
To not have such high expectations
To have a lot of photos together
To do things together
To know you mean what you say
To not be misconceived
To not be told what to do
To accept
To take blame

I am sure I have more, but alas...

~~Things that scare me ~~

Death *not mine
Failing
Falling
Falling out of love
Being cheated on
Being forgotten
Hurting myself
Getting lost
Driving
Parasites
Heights
Not being loved
Breaking and entering
Spiders
Authority
Clowns
Anthropomorphic figures
Swimming in open water
SHARKS!
Voldemort
Never reaching my goals
Letting go
The closet
The world
The unknown
Lack of preparation
Mold
Dying young
Losing friends and lovers *unless I want to
Money
Bugs
Public speaking
Tests
Not trying
Speaking up
How I think of myself…

~~The Mean Girls ~~

This weeks post… Mean Girls



Yes that’s right Mean Girls . . . I know I know that so many of you have seen this movie. But have you experienced. Have you realized the power within? This isnt just any teen drama. It’s a coming of age gay classic. Cult classics only come around once in a blue moon and here children is the newest addition.

This movie for me was a revolution… It wasn’t like anything I had ever seen. I thought at the time that I was the only boy who watched it. Who found the dynamic between the girl, gay and male characters to be completely riveting. I wanted to have this life (to an extent). I wanted to have a group of friends like Janyce Ian (dyke), Damian (too gay to function), and even Cady Heron (Plastic, Bitch). I wanted to be comfortable with myself. To be open.

Being open for me has always been difficult. I have never been open with my feelings, or how I thought. I always bottled it up and stored it away. I could always feel my guilt and my pain gnawing at my insides but I just moved on. Through the years this built and every now and then I would “implode” and move on. I would try my best to keep my feelings from others, but I am getting better. I am learning to open up. I am learning to be loved and to be cared for. Thank you to those who have loved me and continue to love me throughout the years

Oddly enough my happiness this year can be tied to this goddess-like movie; Mean Girls. With it I have had countless experiences and made life long friends. I would like to thank that crazy bitch Tina for bringing this gospel into my life.

Love,

Graeme

Revelations~~

The motivation of this blog has been building. For the past couple of days I have been through a proverbial roller coaster of emotions. Lately I haven’t really been unable to cope with them. So when I am with my friends Ronnie and Lauren it’s the only time I let loose. Yet it seems that the way I act hasn’t been very well received. I know I can be annoying or child like. But that mainly because I can’t deal with the hailstorm of emotions which recently plagues my life, so I revert. I don’t really know what to do. I am at a loss of words and I don’t really know where to turn to. I cant turn to my friends because I know they are getting tired of me. I cant turn to my parents… because they are my parents. I don’t really know who to talk to. I guess there is always professional help… Nevertheless, I don’t want to be “that kid who goes to a therapist.” Don’t get me wrong I understand that talking to professionals helps, but at the same time I have an internalized stigma with talking to therapists. By asking for help I think I am giving into being screwed up to the extent that I need someone else to pick me up. I don’t really know. Does it make me even more screwed up for thinking that?




Basically I started thinking of this post when my friend Gianluca called me a whore. Sincerely he thinks that I am, and because he is my friend I of course started my own evaluation of my past relationships. I have realized that my only healthy relationship was Jack. I have “been” with three people since coming to college. I hate that number. At first I was always able to say one. I liked having the idea that I retained some innocence. Then Kurt happened. What a mistake. And Kurt led me to Jason and then back to Kurt. And now I can add Chad to the list. I have only made love to Jack. He was my first love. My first kiss. My first relationship. And remains my only love. The other boys I feel like were filler. I wanted to retain the same relationship that Jack and I had even though we were no longer together. I am in love with relationships. I am still in love with Jack. And the same time.. I hate myself for feeling this way. For being weak; needing someone or depending on someone to make me happy. I have made so many mistakes in my life, and Jack was the only choice that I will never regret. He is the boy that I compare others too. I don’t want to be some gay whore, who blows other guys after knowing them for hardly anytime at all. I am so embarrassed. I know I am better than this. I know I will one day fall in love again. I know this will happen. I act this way, ‘’whoreish’’ I guess you can call it, because I am actively looking for my next love. I want to jump into things. Into relationships, intimacy, love. I am a whore for love. And I hate it. I want to feel whole again. Not like one half to a puzzle. I need my missing pieces . . .

What the huh~~

So this blog is going to be fairly sporadic ... not really a direction again. But still a pressing manner. Are any of you interested in ominous facebook messages for the ex aka Jack. Well I hope you are...

I'm sorry that your life has hit a ruff spot and I'm sorry that I have
contributed to it. It seems that every time we talk I just end up
hurting you and I don't like that, so for now/for a while, this is
goodbye. I hope things get better and I wish you well, though I trust
that soon things will turn out beneficial to you.

-Jack
Yup that is right. I am officially going nuts. Why is it that my past keeps popping up out of the blue to bite me in the ass. Can I ever really put anything behind me. Will that ever be possible. Will I ever just move on.

I sure hope that you guys have some opinion on this because as of now I am at a loss. Tell me what you think. IT IS GREATLY APPRECIATED!!

Moving in and moving out~~

So once again it seems that I have taken another hiatus from blogging. However, this has no boy-motivation. I would blame the lethargy of a college student. So anyways… This post will merely be an update. Just me writing down my life and times of the past few weeks. There may be a little wiggle room for introspection, questions and concerns but for the most part I am trying to illustrate the lack of direction I have right now. I guess you can say it’s symbolic. I mean if I can’t come up with a proper blog post, then there must be something wrong with me.

• Accused for cheating on my Microbiology midterm
o I retook the test in a small room; just me and the professor
• I am scheduled to talk to the academic misconduct board on the 23rd of march (spring break) …. Wish me luck..
• Moved into an apartment with Ronnie Russel (Yay)
• Final are next week
• I have applied for more jobs
• I am as of late a coffee addict
o What happened to the body being a temple?
• I have the shitiest spring quarter schedule
• Jack (my ex) wants to talk to me


I know this is a terrible post. I just wanted to write something. But don’t worry I will think of something better that is worth both of our time.. In time at least.

Hello ~~ I am Back BITCH

I know I know its been far too long since my last post. Lets just say that I have been going through something to say the least. Now I am feeling better. There is a spring in my step, the sun is shinning and my phone book has one less phone number. Thats right he is gone. Out of my life. Hopefully for a very very long time.
Sooo I am assuming you are all wondering what is new in my life. Well not much besides the fact that I found an apartment, I am looking foreword to new boys, I am looking for work, I am volunteering more and oh yeah my birthday is next weeeeek. On sunday. The 28th I cannot wait. I am sooooo excited.

So now that you have had the anecdote of catch up I am going to move on to the intended blog. I would call this a parental warning; but this blog is somewhat about sex. Seeing how I am single I feel like I have the right to fantasize.

I guess you can call this PART1 of many so here it goes:

Its the early morning. The day of my marathon. I woke up to the sound of the alarm clock buzzing. I was just laying there. In his arms. Our breaths were in perfect synch. I stretched and yawned and got up to get ready. I ate, showered, and was drying off when he surprised me in the bathroom. He came up behind me. Put his arms around my waste and kissed my neck. He whispered in my ear "your gonna do great today." I turned around, still in his arms and kissed him. I wanted to stay there forever but I had a race to run.

We got into our car and he drove me to the race. When we got to the parking lot I put on my shoes and he kissed me good luck. I got out of the car and started my warm up.

The race begins.
Throughout the race I can only think of one thing, getting back into my mans arms. It makes me run faster, and faster and faster. When I see him across the finish line I race as hard as I can to get to him. I cross the finish line and collapse into him. He picks me up and carries me to our car. We drive home.

At home we get into the shower together. We kiss each other passionately. From there we move to the bed. In our bed we spend an eternity. Exploring each others bodies and loving one-another entirely.