Clean slate

To start over, to have a clean slate, such simple concepts but in reality are much more difficult to employ. My life for the past few months has been for a lack of a better word gray. The ups and downs of my past relationship have fell to the waste side. There were moments were I have never felt weaker and moments that I have never felt stronger. My heart is still wounded, I can feel it, but I am healing; patching up the tears and sealing the cracks till it once again works properly. Now I wait. I wait and pick up my life little by little everyday. I have reached equilibrium of blah, nothing good nothing bad but at least there is something there. I am not really sure what that means. I don’t know where my life is going and that scares me. I am someone who lives in rigidity. Schedules and plans are comforting to me yet now I have to go on without one. Embracing the now.

Whatever...

Tuesday, 3 am
Once again I’m wide awake.
Waiting for this time to mend this heart of mine,
That keeps on breaking.
Newspapers I throw away
Wash the dishes in the sink
3am, on Tuesday
I have to much time to think.

I could call out to heaven I could crawl down through hell
Nothing will change the way the way they are, and nothing every will

He thinks I can’t hear him cry
And I pretend I don’t know all about the 3 am’s he spend wrestling with your ghost.

I hear him call out to heaven, I watch him crawl down through hell
He still can’t get over you
I know he never will

Nothing he says can bring you back
He’s got nothing left to show
But a pocket watch and memories
For that kiss out in the snow

I hear him call out to heaven, I watch him crawl down through hell
He still can’t get over you
I know he never will

I hear him call out to heaven, I watch him crawl down through hell
He still can’t get over you
I know he never will.

I hate you

I cant believe you could just leave me. Just let me go like that. Do I really mean that little to you? You told me you love me but now I see that is impossible. If you love someone you don’t treat them like this. It kills me what you have put me through. I have no closure. You played me. You used me. You are the scum of the earth. People like you will never be happy, will never settle. I deserve better than this. A phone call. FUCK YOU. 9 months of my life was wasted on you. It makes me sick that I gave you heart and then you could throw it away so easily, move on so easily. I will always regret loving you. I let down my wall. You never did, you let me believe you did, kept everything to yourself, and then just shrugged me off like an old, used, worn jacket. All I want to do to is love you, and be with you but you don’t want to be with me. You don’t want to be my boyfriend. You have been playing me so long. I never believed that you loved me, I am so grateful that I was right, I was never surprised. I hate you. I hate the way you make me feel. How you treated me, and how you could just move on like nothing happened. Like I never existed.

Goodbye Forever,

Graeme

I guess

So most of the time that I write on this blog its because I am depressed and sad and right now I am feeling all those things. I don't know if I will feel better anytime soon, all I can do is sit and wait. Recently I have had some trouble in my life, I guess you can say it centers around me actually saying what I want... So I thought I would just say it. Everything that I can think of. For as long as I can remember. Here it goes..
I want...

A husband
A dog
A love that can conquer any distance
Someone to bring me flowers when I don't feel good or just to make me feel special
For someone to make me dinner
A full body massage
Life Long friends
A career
To travel
To be thought of
To know I am being thought of
To be considered
To be taken care of when I am sick
To be held
To be whispered all the things someone loves about me
To travel
To go on an adventure
To make a name for myself
To be caressed
To be covered in butterfly kisses
To be proposed to
To have a house
To hold hands in public
To have a family
To be kissed in public
To fall asleep on the couch or where ever and be carried and put to bed
To be told "I love you" every night
To have a body worth showing
Someone to hold me when I cry
To make love
To feel weak in the knees
To lose control
To sleep deeply
To never be angry
To trust
To let go
To love
To learn
To have a job
To get in to medical school
To know what I think and feel matters not just to me
To see a result
To have my efforts recognized
To get what I want...
To give someone else what they want
To have money
To conquer a fear
To eat healthier
To be told "I love you" or "your beautiful" for no reason
To take a leap of faith
To be married
To grow old with 'him'
To know I am secure
To not have to worry
To not worry
To not be so guilty
To never be lied to
To be told the truth
To be able to take criticism
To know someone is proud of me
To know 'he' is proud of me
To be appreciated
To be understood
To be accepted
To wake up next to 'him'
To never fear breaking up
To never hear the words "I don't love you anymore" again
To be talked to
To not having to start a conversation
To allow my self to be loved
To do the right thing
To do what someone wants
To not to assume so often
Someone to assume what I want
Someone to do things for me. Little things. Like getting me a glass of water without me having to ask
To curl next to a warm fire
To share a Kiss in the snow
To be together during a storm
To be given something for no reason besides love
To sleep peacefully with 'him'
To learn many languages
To not be so hostile
To not be so mean
To not have such high expectations
To have a lot of photos together
To do things together
To know you mean what you say
To not be misconceived
To not be told what to do
To accept
To take blame

I am sure I have more, but alas...

~~Things that scare me ~~

Death *not mine
Failing
Falling
Falling out of love
Being cheated on
Being forgotten
Hurting myself
Getting lost
Driving
Parasites
Heights
Not being loved
Breaking and entering
Spiders
Authority
Clowns
Anthropomorphic figures
Swimming in open water
SHARKS!
Voldemort
Never reaching my goals
Letting go
The closet
The world
The unknown
Lack of preparation
Mold
Dying young
Losing friends and lovers *unless I want to
Money
Bugs
Public speaking
Tests
Not trying
Speaking up
How I think of myself…

~~The Mean Girls ~~

This weeks post… Mean Girls



Yes that’s right Mean Girls . . . I know I know that so many of you have seen this movie. But have you experienced. Have you realized the power within? This isnt just any teen drama. It’s a coming of age gay classic. Cult classics only come around once in a blue moon and here children is the newest addition.

This movie for me was a revolution… It wasn’t like anything I had ever seen. I thought at the time that I was the only boy who watched it. Who found the dynamic between the girl, gay and male characters to be completely riveting. I wanted to have this life (to an extent). I wanted to have a group of friends like Janyce Ian (dyke), Damian (too gay to function), and even Cady Heron (Plastic, Bitch). I wanted to be comfortable with myself. To be open.

Being open for me has always been difficult. I have never been open with my feelings, or how I thought. I always bottled it up and stored it away. I could always feel my guilt and my pain gnawing at my insides but I just moved on. Through the years this built and every now and then I would “implode” and move on. I would try my best to keep my feelings from others, but I am getting better. I am learning to open up. I am learning to be loved and to be cared for. Thank you to those who have loved me and continue to love me throughout the years

Oddly enough my happiness this year can be tied to this goddess-like movie; Mean Girls. With it I have had countless experiences and made life long friends. I would like to thank that crazy bitch Tina for bringing this gospel into my life.

Love,

Graeme

Revelations~~

The motivation of this blog has been building. For the past couple of days I have been through a proverbial roller coaster of emotions. Lately I haven’t really been unable to cope with them. So when I am with my friends Ronnie and Lauren it’s the only time I let loose. Yet it seems that the way I act hasn’t been very well received. I know I can be annoying or child like. But that mainly because I can’t deal with the hailstorm of emotions which recently plagues my life, so I revert. I don’t really know what to do. I am at a loss of words and I don’t really know where to turn to. I cant turn to my friends because I know they are getting tired of me. I cant turn to my parents… because they are my parents. I don’t really know who to talk to. I guess there is always professional help… Nevertheless, I don’t want to be “that kid who goes to a therapist.” Don’t get me wrong I understand that talking to professionals helps, but at the same time I have an internalized stigma with talking to therapists. By asking for help I think I am giving into being screwed up to the extent that I need someone else to pick me up. I don’t really know. Does it make me even more screwed up for thinking that?




Basically I started thinking of this post when my friend Gianluca called me a whore. Sincerely he thinks that I am, and because he is my friend I of course started my own evaluation of my past relationships. I have realized that my only healthy relationship was Jack. I have “been” with three people since coming to college. I hate that number. At first I was always able to say one. I liked having the idea that I retained some innocence. Then Kurt happened. What a mistake. And Kurt led me to Jason and then back to Kurt. And now I can add Chad to the list. I have only made love to Jack. He was my first love. My first kiss. My first relationship. And remains my only love. The other boys I feel like were filler. I wanted to retain the same relationship that Jack and I had even though we were no longer together. I am in love with relationships. I am still in love with Jack. And the same time.. I hate myself for feeling this way. For being weak; needing someone or depending on someone to make me happy. I have made so many mistakes in my life, and Jack was the only choice that I will never regret. He is the boy that I compare others too. I don’t want to be some gay whore, who blows other guys after knowing them for hardly anytime at all. I am so embarrassed. I know I am better than this. I know I will one day fall in love again. I know this will happen. I act this way, ‘’whoreish’’ I guess you can call it, because I am actively looking for my next love. I want to jump into things. Into relationships, intimacy, love. I am a whore for love. And I hate it. I want to feel whole again. Not like one half to a puzzle. I need my missing pieces . . .