~~Things that scare me ~~

Death *not mine
Failing
Falling
Falling out of love
Being cheated on
Being forgotten
Hurting myself
Getting lost
Driving
Parasites
Heights
Not being loved
Breaking and entering
Spiders
Authority
Clowns
Anthropomorphic figures
Swimming in open water
SHARKS!
Voldemort
Never reaching my goals
Letting go
The closet
The world
The unknown
Lack of preparation
Mold
Dying young
Losing friends and lovers *unless I want to
Money
Bugs
Public speaking
Tests
Not trying
Speaking up
How I think of myself…

~~The Mean Girls ~~

This weeks post… Mean Girls



Yes that’s right Mean Girls . . . I know I know that so many of you have seen this movie. But have you experienced. Have you realized the power within? This isnt just any teen drama. It’s a coming of age gay classic. Cult classics only come around once in a blue moon and here children is the newest addition.

This movie for me was a revolution… It wasn’t like anything I had ever seen. I thought at the time that I was the only boy who watched it. Who found the dynamic between the girl, gay and male characters to be completely riveting. I wanted to have this life (to an extent). I wanted to have a group of friends like Janyce Ian (dyke), Damian (too gay to function), and even Cady Heron (Plastic, Bitch). I wanted to be comfortable with myself. To be open.

Being open for me has always been difficult. I have never been open with my feelings, or how I thought. I always bottled it up and stored it away. I could always feel my guilt and my pain gnawing at my insides but I just moved on. Through the years this built and every now and then I would “implode” and move on. I would try my best to keep my feelings from others, but I am getting better. I am learning to open up. I am learning to be loved and to be cared for. Thank you to those who have loved me and continue to love me throughout the years

Oddly enough my happiness this year can be tied to this goddess-like movie; Mean Girls. With it I have had countless experiences and made life long friends. I would like to thank that crazy bitch Tina for bringing this gospel into my life.

Love,

Graeme

Revelations~~

The motivation of this blog has been building. For the past couple of days I have been through a proverbial roller coaster of emotions. Lately I haven’t really been unable to cope with them. So when I am with my friends Ronnie and Lauren it’s the only time I let loose. Yet it seems that the way I act hasn’t been very well received. I know I can be annoying or child like. But that mainly because I can’t deal with the hailstorm of emotions which recently plagues my life, so I revert. I don’t really know what to do. I am at a loss of words and I don’t really know where to turn to. I cant turn to my friends because I know they are getting tired of me. I cant turn to my parents… because they are my parents. I don’t really know who to talk to. I guess there is always professional help… Nevertheless, I don’t want to be “that kid who goes to a therapist.” Don’t get me wrong I understand that talking to professionals helps, but at the same time I have an internalized stigma with talking to therapists. By asking for help I think I am giving into being screwed up to the extent that I need someone else to pick me up. I don’t really know. Does it make me even more screwed up for thinking that?




Basically I started thinking of this post when my friend Gianluca called me a whore. Sincerely he thinks that I am, and because he is my friend I of course started my own evaluation of my past relationships. I have realized that my only healthy relationship was Jack. I have “been” with three people since coming to college. I hate that number. At first I was always able to say one. I liked having the idea that I retained some innocence. Then Kurt happened. What a mistake. And Kurt led me to Jason and then back to Kurt. And now I can add Chad to the list. I have only made love to Jack. He was my first love. My first kiss. My first relationship. And remains my only love. The other boys I feel like were filler. I wanted to retain the same relationship that Jack and I had even though we were no longer together. I am in love with relationships. I am still in love with Jack. And the same time.. I hate myself for feeling this way. For being weak; needing someone or depending on someone to make me happy. I have made so many mistakes in my life, and Jack was the only choice that I will never regret. He is the boy that I compare others too. I don’t want to be some gay whore, who blows other guys after knowing them for hardly anytime at all. I am so embarrassed. I know I am better than this. I know I will one day fall in love again. I know this will happen. I act this way, ‘’whoreish’’ I guess you can call it, because I am actively looking for my next love. I want to jump into things. Into relationships, intimacy, love. I am a whore for love. And I hate it. I want to feel whole again. Not like one half to a puzzle. I need my missing pieces . . .

What the huh~~

So this blog is going to be fairly sporadic ... not really a direction again. But still a pressing manner. Are any of you interested in ominous facebook messages for the ex aka Jack. Well I hope you are...

I'm sorry that your life has hit a ruff spot and I'm sorry that I have
contributed to it. It seems that every time we talk I just end up
hurting you and I don't like that, so for now/for a while, this is
goodbye. I hope things get better and I wish you well, though I trust
that soon things will turn out beneficial to you.

-Jack
Yup that is right. I am officially going nuts. Why is it that my past keeps popping up out of the blue to bite me in the ass. Can I ever really put anything behind me. Will that ever be possible. Will I ever just move on.

I sure hope that you guys have some opinion on this because as of now I am at a loss. Tell me what you think. IT IS GREATLY APPRECIATED!!

Moving in and moving out~~

So once again it seems that I have taken another hiatus from blogging. However, this has no boy-motivation. I would blame the lethargy of a college student. So anyways… This post will merely be an update. Just me writing down my life and times of the past few weeks. There may be a little wiggle room for introspection, questions and concerns but for the most part I am trying to illustrate the lack of direction I have right now. I guess you can say it’s symbolic. I mean if I can’t come up with a proper blog post, then there must be something wrong with me.

• Accused for cheating on my Microbiology midterm
o I retook the test in a small room; just me and the professor
• I am scheduled to talk to the academic misconduct board on the 23rd of march (spring break) …. Wish me luck..
• Moved into an apartment with Ronnie Russel (Yay)
• Final are next week
• I have applied for more jobs
• I am as of late a coffee addict
o What happened to the body being a temple?
• I have the shitiest spring quarter schedule
• Jack (my ex) wants to talk to me


I know this is a terrible post. I just wanted to write something. But don’t worry I will think of something better that is worth both of our time.. In time at least.

Hello ~~ I am Back BITCH

I know I know its been far too long since my last post. Lets just say that I have been going through something to say the least. Now I am feeling better. There is a spring in my step, the sun is shinning and my phone book has one less phone number. Thats right he is gone. Out of my life. Hopefully for a very very long time.
Sooo I am assuming you are all wondering what is new in my life. Well not much besides the fact that I found an apartment, I am looking foreword to new boys, I am looking for work, I am volunteering more and oh yeah my birthday is next weeeeek. On sunday. The 28th I cannot wait. I am sooooo excited.

So now that you have had the anecdote of catch up I am going to move on to the intended blog. I would call this a parental warning; but this blog is somewhat about sex. Seeing how I am single I feel like I have the right to fantasize.

I guess you can call this PART1 of many so here it goes:

Its the early morning. The day of my marathon. I woke up to the sound of the alarm clock buzzing. I was just laying there. In his arms. Our breaths were in perfect synch. I stretched and yawned and got up to get ready. I ate, showered, and was drying off when he surprised me in the bathroom. He came up behind me. Put his arms around my waste and kissed my neck. He whispered in my ear "your gonna do great today." I turned around, still in his arms and kissed him. I wanted to stay there forever but I had a race to run.

We got into our car and he drove me to the race. When we got to the parking lot I put on my shoes and he kissed me good luck. I got out of the car and started my warm up.

The race begins.
Throughout the race I can only think of one thing, getting back into my mans arms. It makes me run faster, and faster and faster. When I see him across the finish line I race as hard as I can to get to him. I cross the finish line and collapse into him. He picks me up and carries me to our car. We drive home.

At home we get into the shower together. We kiss each other passionately. From there we move to the bed. In our bed we spend an eternity. Exploring each others bodies and loving one-another entirely.

Dollar Sign $-$

The idea of money flickers through my mind every now and then. Lately it has been shoved down my throat. I hate it so much. I feel like a dollar sign, expected to shell out cash left and right in order to be part of the world. In my house (fraternity) at meetings all I hear is "you'll be fined for" this or that. It's just ridiculous, I didn't know that I would need money to fit in. To be able to be comfortable. I realize now that money is everything. It's entertainment. Travel. Being in high school this stuff was always in the back of my head. But now that I am in the real world. . . everything is so real, and expensive.

To live is to have money. I hate that so much. All I want to do is go to school, and eventually help people. I am so excited to be leaving the fraternity. I am not very good at taking orders from so called "brothers", I don't like being told to do this or that, and if I don't do it I am fined or punished. Especially when it includes me "having" to purchase a 45 dollar sweatshirt and if I didn't order I would be fined, and if I didn't want to pay I would be fined. God damn money why do you make me so crazy.

I suffer from Monetary Anxiety. Money freaks me out. I don't like it. I don't like the fact that I have to take out a loan every quarter just to live in seattle. Or that my schooling isn't completely covered when it should be. Or that I have to pay out of pocket for medication because my family can't afford medical insurance. I hate the fact that my mother and father can't get the surgeries that they need. I hate the fact that I haven't seen the dentist in 9 years. Or that next year I am on my own. What happened to the idea of the broke college student. I thought that was a constant. Yet I am still expected to pay for things I neither want nor need. I live for necessity. If I don't want it I won't get it, this is why I hate hate hate shopping. I think things will be better when the money isn't so pertinent. As of now however it is consuming my life. It scares me so much.