When did I know I was gay. Consciously I didn't know I was gay until high school. Looking back now I see how gay I was as a child. I guess I was somewhat effeminate, similarly to how I am now. I always got along with girls too well, and had to many "girl friends" in grade school. Though I wasn't afraid to play somewhat dangerous games with friends, I would always have the predisposition to cry. When ever I felt upset I would cry. Which for me as a child was often apparently. As I grew my friends remained the same. Though some friends grew distant new friends contributed their similar values, morals and attitudes; these people were my quote unquote nerdy click. I am proud to say that I am still close friends with my grade school pals, but more about them later. As I was saying, In middle school I was a total nerd. I played the Flute (skin flute? no not yet) and the Alto saxophone. The only reason I actually started playing the sax was because someone made a comment about my sexuality and playing the flute, I know childish but it still made me cry. During this time I pretended to like girls. I would never say "oh she is so hot" or "I would do her," I mean I was a fairly shy kid. But if my friends found out a girl liked me and if they asked if I liked her, my immediate response was "YES." During eighth grade I had a girl friend and believed in god ( I don't capitalize god for a reason). We never did anything. I didn't want to, and I could never bring myself to use someone like that. I pretended to like girls, I wanted to love god and for him to love me, but it didn't happen. I hated myself for a while. In my freshman year of high school I came out to close friends that I was Bi. Lets just say that if you tell one person then pretty much everyone knows. I was terrified anyone knowing. I thought if one person knows then everyone will know, including my parents. Though I am sure they already had a strong inclination seeing how they have caught me with gay porn before in 6th or 7th grade. Either way I couldn't handle anyone knowing besides the people I trusted. Others who found out scared me, but all i did was I play it off as a joke. I made it seem like it was no big deal. When in reality it was me struggling to figure out who I was.
I told people this because I liked a boy. His name was Andrew Phan. We talked for hours about everything imaginable. I liked him and he liked me, it was mutual. Until, that is, he broke it off. I know! How heart wrenching. We never did anything besides hold hands. I wasn't ready for anything else. Later that year a close friend of mine told everyone I was gay. Straight up queer. That wasn't that great of an experience. However, my bad times were not forced on by anyone else but myself. I felt so wrong. So un-natural. Not until the end of my junior year or the beginning of my senior year did I finally accept myself. And not until I graduated did I have a relationship. And what a relationship it was. His name was Jack, and even though he was 2 years younger than me he was the guy for me. We talked constantly. One day we were talking on facebook, it was late and I wanted to talk to him in bed. I asked for his number. I know how sly. We talked into the wee hours of the night. though my sleep schedule took a heavy hit, my heart was all a flutter. We started going out on the June 14th, two days after his birthday. The four months that were together were glorious. We were each-others. We loved and made love. Talked about our future. Though the ending was sour the journey was oh too sweet. That line not only sums up my first relationship, but also my entire gay coming of age. I unnecessarily hated myself for so long. I Was so scared of what my future would behold. However now, I am waiting, just waiting for Mr. Perfect to sweep me off my feet. We all deserve a happily ever after. Yeah that sounds a tad optimistic but who ever said there was problem with dreaming.
Peace,
Graeme
P.s. I know I am young and "naive" but I know what I want. Though I am still learning through the relationships that I am forming today and will continue to form I still know where I want to end up. Where I expect myself to end. Where I must end up.
