Moving in and moving out~~

So once again it seems that I have taken another hiatus from blogging. However, this has no boy-motivation. I would blame the lethargy of a college student. So anyways… This post will merely be an update. Just me writing down my life and times of the past few weeks. There may be a little wiggle room for introspection, questions and concerns but for the most part I am trying to illustrate the lack of direction I have right now. I guess you can say it’s symbolic. I mean if I can’t come up with a proper blog post, then there must be something wrong with me.

• Accused for cheating on my Microbiology midterm
o I retook the test in a small room; just me and the professor
• I am scheduled to talk to the academic misconduct board on the 23rd of march (spring break) …. Wish me luck..
• Moved into an apartment with Ronnie Russel (Yay)
• Final are next week
• I have applied for more jobs
• I am as of late a coffee addict
o What happened to the body being a temple?
• I have the shitiest spring quarter schedule
• Jack (my ex) wants to talk to me


I know this is a terrible post. I just wanted to write something. But don’t worry I will think of something better that is worth both of our time.. In time at least.

Hello ~~ I am Back BITCH

I know I know its been far too long since my last post. Lets just say that I have been going through something to say the least. Now I am feeling better. There is a spring in my step, the sun is shinning and my phone book has one less phone number. Thats right he is gone. Out of my life. Hopefully for a very very long time.
Sooo I am assuming you are all wondering what is new in my life. Well not much besides the fact that I found an apartment, I am looking foreword to new boys, I am looking for work, I am volunteering more and oh yeah my birthday is next weeeeek. On sunday. The 28th I cannot wait. I am sooooo excited.

So now that you have had the anecdote of catch up I am going to move on to the intended blog. I would call this a parental warning; but this blog is somewhat about sex. Seeing how I am single I feel like I have the right to fantasize.

I guess you can call this PART1 of many so here it goes:

Its the early morning. The day of my marathon. I woke up to the sound of the alarm clock buzzing. I was just laying there. In his arms. Our breaths were in perfect synch. I stretched and yawned and got up to get ready. I ate, showered, and was drying off when he surprised me in the bathroom. He came up behind me. Put his arms around my waste and kissed my neck. He whispered in my ear "your gonna do great today." I turned around, still in his arms and kissed him. I wanted to stay there forever but I had a race to run.

We got into our car and he drove me to the race. When we got to the parking lot I put on my shoes and he kissed me good luck. I got out of the car and started my warm up.

The race begins.
Throughout the race I can only think of one thing, getting back into my mans arms. It makes me run faster, and faster and faster. When I see him across the finish line I race as hard as I can to get to him. I cross the finish line and collapse into him. He picks me up and carries me to our car. We drive home.

At home we get into the shower together. We kiss each other passionately. From there we move to the bed. In our bed we spend an eternity. Exploring each others bodies and loving one-another entirely.

Dollar Sign $-$

The idea of money flickers through my mind every now and then. Lately it has been shoved down my throat. I hate it so much. I feel like a dollar sign, expected to shell out cash left and right in order to be part of the world. In my house (fraternity) at meetings all I hear is "you'll be fined for" this or that. It's just ridiculous, I didn't know that I would need money to fit in. To be able to be comfortable. I realize now that money is everything. It's entertainment. Travel. Being in high school this stuff was always in the back of my head. But now that I am in the real world. . . everything is so real, and expensive.

To live is to have money. I hate that so much. All I want to do is go to school, and eventually help people. I am so excited to be leaving the fraternity. I am not very good at taking orders from so called "brothers", I don't like being told to do this or that, and if I don't do it I am fined or punished. Especially when it includes me "having" to purchase a 45 dollar sweatshirt and if I didn't order I would be fined, and if I didn't want to pay I would be fined. God damn money why do you make me so crazy.

I suffer from Monetary Anxiety. Money freaks me out. I don't like it. I don't like the fact that I have to take out a loan every quarter just to live in seattle. Or that my schooling isn't completely covered when it should be. Or that I have to pay out of pocket for medication because my family can't afford medical insurance. I hate the fact that my mother and father can't get the surgeries that they need. I hate the fact that I haven't seen the dentist in 9 years. Or that next year I am on my own. What happened to the idea of the broke college student. I thought that was a constant. Yet I am still expected to pay for things I neither want nor need. I live for necessity. If I don't want it I won't get it, this is why I hate hate hate shopping. I think things will be better when the money isn't so pertinent. As of now however it is consuming my life. It scares me so much.

Home for the day

The past two days have been fairly great. Last night I hung out with a few of Varsity (my gays) also know as Gianluca, Aaron and Ronnie. We had Thai food, which was delicious. Went shopping. Did some homework. And watched Mean girls. What a great night. Today I went home, to Tacoma. Its my brothers birthday he is turning the big 1,6 and I wanted to be there.
While my parents were at a soccer game and my brother Andrew was on a date with his girlfriend I showered, expholiated, showered, moisturized, clear coated my toe nails. It was glorious. I feel so clean now, ready to go to dinner and celebrate my little brother’s birthday with the family.

Much Love,
Graeme

Bandages

Just rip it off. Don’t beat around the bush, or lie to me to make me comfortable. Don’t betray me. I ask you to simply tell the truth. Watering it down, or using euphemisms are pointless. I am a big boy, I can take it. I am mature. Emotional, yes but I ask you to only respect me enough to treat me as a friend. If you care about me, do this, and I will show you the respect you deserve. I can be the greatest friend/lover/whoever in the world as long as truth is always and continues to remain on the table.

I trust too easily. I am not necessarily gullible but I will always try to trust and respect because that is what I was taught growing up. Almost everyone deserves it, and no one should be subject to prejudice.

Lies are for the weak. They are for those not ready for reality. To lie and spare feelings is ridiculous because the truth will eventually come out. The truth is that we are human. We all make mistakes. That is of course accepted. But accept the fact your human. Accept that no one is perfect. Lying masks your humanity. Stay human.


Peace out,

Graeme

Boys- Boys- Boys-

I have something to tell you. I like boys. I know surprising. But I am a boy- lover and a damned good one at that. I am not a promiscuous person or at least I don't want to be. I have tried the whole hook up thing*, and well, you can say that it didn't work out too well. So technically I have been with three people. Jack; my first boyfriend, my first kiss, the first boy I made love to, the first boy I gave my love to. Jason; a screw up, a one night stand, abysmal. Kurt; my current boy, someone I love spending time with, someone I need to learn more about.

Right now I am feeling really good. About everything. About school. My family. My friends. And as of now, my relationship with Kurt. Though I haven't been able to spend much time with him because of my Streptococcal pharyngitis infestation, (thank you Wikipedia) also known as strep throat, causing me to faint in the pharmacy as I bought my penicillin, were are still good. Because of this sudden change in my demeanor I decided to post this little blog. Which I dedicate to Lady Gaga for obvious reasons.


Guys--

How would I describe the boy of my dreams?
I don't go for the hot guy. Though he can be attractive. Get me hard. Or other things like that. I still don't find them someone I could be with. I know how biased. I have this terrible subjective idea of people who are really attractive know their really attractive and acting on it. Though I am sure that there are some very genuine hotties, I have yet to meet one.

I like nerds. Boys who like boys who like comic books, school their family, board games, reading, hiking, and nerd-gasming every now and then. I like boys who hold hands. Who love Sci-Fi and have collections. Who are healthy and athletic. Who like all types of movies. Who can get along with my family and his own. Who is taller. Goes to school and has a real goal in life. Who accepts my eccentricities and nuances. Wears glasses. Cares. Loves. Wishes. Wants. Dreams. Who has different favorite foods than me. Who has favorite TV shows (who doesn't say "I don't like TV", because I would feel guilty for watching far to much.) Who can kiss. Who every now and then doesn't shave so I can feel his stubble when we kiss. Who wants to put his arm around me in public or private. Who loves the rain as much as I do. Who is content being with me. Who has a hint of spontaneity. Who wants a family. Who wants children (and is okay naming our first born son Ralph*). Someone who has fashion sense, but who doesn’t care that I don’t. Who isn’t obsessed with musicals. Who likes sports; soccer. Who loves to learn and spend time with me. Who wants me to teach them how to cook. Who dances and will dance with me. Who like to take cute pictures (photo booths?). Who reads. Who knows about current events. Who has beliefs, values, morals (not necessarily religious but has spirituality). Someone who hasn’t been with many people. Who volunteers. Who can make me laugh. Who can make me feel safe. Who gets along with my friends as if they have known each other for years. Who loves giving and receiving massages. Who is clean. Who is active. Who doesn’t view sex as fucking, but love making. Who drinks but not too often. Who does not smoke or do any form of drugs. Who can solve a rubix cube faster than me.





My list is so daunting. I know, but I write this for a reason, so I can figure out what I want. What I need. What is good for me.

* Read from my earlier (less mature?) blogs
* Family tradition

Growing -UP- Gay

I am sure that every gay, man, child, or whoever who has a blog has in someone way expressed their experiences as growing up gay. Yet I have not done this. Any particular reason? Not sure. But now I believe it is my turn to post my coming of age tale, full of mellow drama, self loathing and discovery.
When did I know I was gay. Consciously I didn't know I was gay until high school. Looking back now I see how gay I was as a child. I guess I was somewhat effeminate, similarly to how I am now. I always got along with girls too well, and had to many "girl friends" in grade school. Though I wasn't afraid to play somewhat dangerous games with friends, I would always have the predisposition to cry. When ever I felt upset I would cry. Which for me as a child was often apparently. As I grew my friends remained the same. Though some friends grew distant new friends contributed their similar values, morals and attitudes; these people were my quote unquote nerdy click. I am proud to say that I am still close friends with my grade school pals, but more about them later. As I was saying, In middle school I was a total nerd. I played the Flute (skin flute? no not yet) and the Alto saxophone. The only reason I actually started playing the sax was because someone made a comment about my sexuality and playing the flute, I know childish but it still made me cry. During this time I pretended to like girls. I would never say "oh she is so hot" or "I would do her," I mean I was a fairly shy kid. But if my friends found out a girl liked me and if they asked if I liked her, my immediate response was "YES." During eighth grade I had a girl friend and believed in god ( I don't capitalize god for a reason). We never did anything. I didn't want to, and I could never bring myself to use someone like that. I pretended to like girls, I wanted to love god and for him to love me, but it didn't happen. I hated myself for a while. In my freshman year of high school I came out to close friends that I was Bi. Lets just say that if you tell one person then pretty much everyone knows. I was terrified anyone knowing. I thought if one person knows then everyone will know, including my parents. Though I am sure they already had a strong inclination seeing how they have caught me with gay porn before in 6th or 7th grade. Either way I couldn't handle anyone knowing besides the people I trusted. Others who found out scared me, but all i did was I play it off as a joke. I made it seem like it was no big deal. When in reality it was me struggling to figure out who I was.
I told people this because I liked a boy. His name was Andrew Phan. We talked for hours about everything imaginable. I liked him and he liked me, it was mutual. Until, that is, he broke it off. I know! How heart wrenching. We never did anything besides hold hands. I wasn't ready for anything else. Later that year a close friend of mine told everyone I was gay. Straight up queer. That wasn't that great of an experience. However, my bad times were not forced on by anyone else but myself. I felt so wrong. So un-natural. Not until the end of my junior year or the beginning of my senior year did I finally accept myself. And not until I graduated did I have a relationship. And what a relationship it was. His name was Jack, and even though he was 2 years younger than me he was the guy for me. We talked constantly. One day we were talking on facebook, it was late and I wanted to talk to him in bed. I asked for his number. I know how sly. We talked into the wee hours of the night. though my sleep schedule took a heavy hit, my heart was all a flutter. We started going out on the June 14th, two days after his birthday. The four months that were together were glorious. We were each-others. We loved and made love. Talked about our future. Though the ending was sour the journey was oh too sweet. That line not only sums up my first relationship, but also my entire gay coming of age. I unnecessarily hated myself for so long. I Was so scared of what my future would behold. However now, I am waiting, just waiting for Mr. Perfect to sweep me off my feet. We all deserve a happily ever after. Yeah that sounds a tad optimistic but who ever said there was problem with dreaming.

Peace,
Graeme

P.s. I know I am young and "naive" but I know what I want. Though I am still learning through the relationships that I am forming today and will continue to form I still know where I want to end up. Where I expect myself to end. Where I must end up.