Revelations~~

The motivation of this blog has been building. For the past couple of days I have been through a proverbial roller coaster of emotions. Lately I haven’t really been unable to cope with them. So when I am with my friends Ronnie and Lauren it’s the only time I let loose. Yet it seems that the way I act hasn’t been very well received. I know I can be annoying or child like. But that mainly because I can’t deal with the hailstorm of emotions which recently plagues my life, so I revert. I don’t really know what to do. I am at a loss of words and I don’t really know where to turn to. I cant turn to my friends because I know they are getting tired of me. I cant turn to my parents… because they are my parents. I don’t really know who to talk to. I guess there is always professional help… Nevertheless, I don’t want to be “that kid who goes to a therapist.” Don’t get me wrong I understand that talking to professionals helps, but at the same time I have an internalized stigma with talking to therapists. By asking for help I think I am giving into being screwed up to the extent that I need someone else to pick me up. I don’t really know. Does it make me even more screwed up for thinking that?




Basically I started thinking of this post when my friend Gianluca called me a whore. Sincerely he thinks that I am, and because he is my friend I of course started my own evaluation of my past relationships. I have realized that my only healthy relationship was Jack. I have “been” with three people since coming to college. I hate that number. At first I was always able to say one. I liked having the idea that I retained some innocence. Then Kurt happened. What a mistake. And Kurt led me to Jason and then back to Kurt. And now I can add Chad to the list. I have only made love to Jack. He was my first love. My first kiss. My first relationship. And remains my only love. The other boys I feel like were filler. I wanted to retain the same relationship that Jack and I had even though we were no longer together. I am in love with relationships. I am still in love with Jack. And the same time.. I hate myself for feeling this way. For being weak; needing someone or depending on someone to make me happy. I have made so many mistakes in my life, and Jack was the only choice that I will never regret. He is the boy that I compare others too. I don’t want to be some gay whore, who blows other guys after knowing them for hardly anytime at all. I am so embarrassed. I know I am better than this. I know I will one day fall in love again. I know this will happen. I act this way, ‘’whoreish’’ I guess you can call it, because I am actively looking for my next love. I want to jump into things. Into relationships, intimacy, love. I am a whore for love. And I hate it. I want to feel whole again. Not like one half to a puzzle. I need my missing pieces . . .

What the huh~~

So this blog is going to be fairly sporadic ... not really a direction again. But still a pressing manner. Are any of you interested in ominous facebook messages for the ex aka Jack. Well I hope you are...

I'm sorry that your life has hit a ruff spot and I'm sorry that I have
contributed to it. It seems that every time we talk I just end up
hurting you and I don't like that, so for now/for a while, this is
goodbye. I hope things get better and I wish you well, though I trust
that soon things will turn out beneficial to you.

-Jack
Yup that is right. I am officially going nuts. Why is it that my past keeps popping up out of the blue to bite me in the ass. Can I ever really put anything behind me. Will that ever be possible. Will I ever just move on.

I sure hope that you guys have some opinion on this because as of now I am at a loss. Tell me what you think. IT IS GREATLY APPRECIATED!!

Moving in and moving out~~

So once again it seems that I have taken another hiatus from blogging. However, this has no boy-motivation. I would blame the lethargy of a college student. So anyways… This post will merely be an update. Just me writing down my life and times of the past few weeks. There may be a little wiggle room for introspection, questions and concerns but for the most part I am trying to illustrate the lack of direction I have right now. I guess you can say it’s symbolic. I mean if I can’t come up with a proper blog post, then there must be something wrong with me.

• Accused for cheating on my Microbiology midterm
o I retook the test in a small room; just me and the professor
• I am scheduled to talk to the academic misconduct board on the 23rd of march (spring break) …. Wish me luck..
• Moved into an apartment with Ronnie Russel (Yay)
• Final are next week
• I have applied for more jobs
• I am as of late a coffee addict
o What happened to the body being a temple?
• I have the shitiest spring quarter schedule
• Jack (my ex) wants to talk to me


I know this is a terrible post. I just wanted to write something. But don’t worry I will think of something better that is worth both of our time.. In time at least.