My Religion--

I was at one time a religious person. Though I never formally went to church I still believed in a god. In heaven. Or that I was damned to hell for the rest of eternity. I prayed and wanted to be different. Oh god did I want to change. In eighth grade I went to a church retreat with my friends church. I felt so out of place. I can vividly remember wanting to get baptized, I wanted to be clean, new, straight. But I never did. I realized that as people put their hands in the sky try to be closer the their god I felt so distant. I knew that this wasn't for me. Why should I believe in something that makes a good majority of gay children hate themselves.
Now I would call myself Atheist. I don't believe in god. No matter how secular, liberal or any you spin the religion it still makes me feel less than worthless. When I decided to no longer believe I promised myself to instill morals and values which I hold to be steadfast. I do not believe whatsoever that in order to be a quote unquote good person you must be religious. Though I know there is no such thing as altruism I know I want to do good in the world.
Sometimes I wish I could believe. I feel like it would be so much easier to believe that after life there is something even more glorious to look foreword to. I wish I could believe that the dead relatives who I love were watching over me. I wish I could do these things because being an optimist on rationality alone is daunting and leaves me ultimately alone in my views, thoughts and perspectives. When my mom was in her car accident or when my dad was in the hospital or even during my brothers many allergy attacks I pray. I pray to whoever, whatever anything that may hear me to spare my family. They are everything to me and I would undoubtedly die for them. I don't believe in a higher power. I just wish there was one. I pray to myself that there could be something better. I don't, can't be jaded. I can't live knowing that the world is just utter shit. I don't believe that. There is always something beautiful to behold. I know I can make a difference, I have to, otherwise what am I worth: nothing. I guess we will see.

love,
Graeme