Dollar Sign $-$

The idea of money flickers through my mind every now and then. Lately it has been shoved down my throat. I hate it so much. I feel like a dollar sign, expected to shell out cash left and right in order to be part of the world. In my house (fraternity) at meetings all I hear is "you'll be fined for" this or that. It's just ridiculous, I didn't know that I would need money to fit in. To be able to be comfortable. I realize now that money is everything. It's entertainment. Travel. Being in high school this stuff was always in the back of my head. But now that I am in the real world. . . everything is so real, and expensive.

To live is to have money. I hate that so much. All I want to do is go to school, and eventually help people. I am so excited to be leaving the fraternity. I am not very good at taking orders from so called "brothers", I don't like being told to do this or that, and if I don't do it I am fined or punished. Especially when it includes me "having" to purchase a 45 dollar sweatshirt and if I didn't order I would be fined, and if I didn't want to pay I would be fined. God damn money why do you make me so crazy.

I suffer from Monetary Anxiety. Money freaks me out. I don't like it. I don't like the fact that I have to take out a loan every quarter just to live in seattle. Or that my schooling isn't completely covered when it should be. Or that I have to pay out of pocket for medication because my family can't afford medical insurance. I hate the fact that my mother and father can't get the surgeries that they need. I hate the fact that I haven't seen the dentist in 9 years. Or that next year I am on my own. What happened to the idea of the broke college student. I thought that was a constant. Yet I am still expected to pay for things I neither want nor need. I live for necessity. If I don't want it I won't get it, this is why I hate hate hate shopping. I think things will be better when the money isn't so pertinent. As of now however it is consuming my life. It scares me so much.

Home for the day

The past two days have been fairly great. Last night I hung out with a few of Varsity (my gays) also know as Gianluca, Aaron and Ronnie. We had Thai food, which was delicious. Went shopping. Did some homework. And watched Mean girls. What a great night. Today I went home, to Tacoma. Its my brothers birthday he is turning the big 1,6 and I wanted to be there.
While my parents were at a soccer game and my brother Andrew was on a date with his girlfriend I showered, expholiated, showered, moisturized, clear coated my toe nails. It was glorious. I feel so clean now, ready to go to dinner and celebrate my little brother’s birthday with the family.

Much Love,
Graeme

Bandages

Just rip it off. Don’t beat around the bush, or lie to me to make me comfortable. Don’t betray me. I ask you to simply tell the truth. Watering it down, or using euphemisms are pointless. I am a big boy, I can take it. I am mature. Emotional, yes but I ask you to only respect me enough to treat me as a friend. If you care about me, do this, and I will show you the respect you deserve. I can be the greatest friend/lover/whoever in the world as long as truth is always and continues to remain on the table.

I trust too easily. I am not necessarily gullible but I will always try to trust and respect because that is what I was taught growing up. Almost everyone deserves it, and no one should be subject to prejudice.

Lies are for the weak. They are for those not ready for reality. To lie and spare feelings is ridiculous because the truth will eventually come out. The truth is that we are human. We all make mistakes. That is of course accepted. But accept the fact your human. Accept that no one is perfect. Lying masks your humanity. Stay human.


Peace out,

Graeme

Boys- Boys- Boys-

I have something to tell you. I like boys. I know surprising. But I am a boy- lover and a damned good one at that. I am not a promiscuous person or at least I don't want to be. I have tried the whole hook up thing*, and well, you can say that it didn't work out too well. So technically I have been with three people. Jack; my first boyfriend, my first kiss, the first boy I made love to, the first boy I gave my love to. Jason; a screw up, a one night stand, abysmal. Kurt; my current boy, someone I love spending time with, someone I need to learn more about.

Right now I am feeling really good. About everything. About school. My family. My friends. And as of now, my relationship with Kurt. Though I haven't been able to spend much time with him because of my Streptococcal pharyngitis infestation, (thank you Wikipedia) also known as strep throat, causing me to faint in the pharmacy as I bought my penicillin, were are still good. Because of this sudden change in my demeanor I decided to post this little blog. Which I dedicate to Lady Gaga for obvious reasons.


Guys--

How would I describe the boy of my dreams?
I don't go for the hot guy. Though he can be attractive. Get me hard. Or other things like that. I still don't find them someone I could be with. I know how biased. I have this terrible subjective idea of people who are really attractive know their really attractive and acting on it. Though I am sure that there are some very genuine hotties, I have yet to meet one.

I like nerds. Boys who like boys who like comic books, school their family, board games, reading, hiking, and nerd-gasming every now and then. I like boys who hold hands. Who love Sci-Fi and have collections. Who are healthy and athletic. Who like all types of movies. Who can get along with my family and his own. Who is taller. Goes to school and has a real goal in life. Who accepts my eccentricities and nuances. Wears glasses. Cares. Loves. Wishes. Wants. Dreams. Who has different favorite foods than me. Who has favorite TV shows (who doesn't say "I don't like TV", because I would feel guilty for watching far to much.) Who can kiss. Who every now and then doesn't shave so I can feel his stubble when we kiss. Who wants to put his arm around me in public or private. Who loves the rain as much as I do. Who is content being with me. Who has a hint of spontaneity. Who wants a family. Who wants children (and is okay naming our first born son Ralph*). Someone who has fashion sense, but who doesn’t care that I don’t. Who isn’t obsessed with musicals. Who likes sports; soccer. Who loves to learn and spend time with me. Who wants me to teach them how to cook. Who dances and will dance with me. Who like to take cute pictures (photo booths?). Who reads. Who knows about current events. Who has beliefs, values, morals (not necessarily religious but has spirituality). Someone who hasn’t been with many people. Who volunteers. Who can make me laugh. Who can make me feel safe. Who gets along with my friends as if they have known each other for years. Who loves giving and receiving massages. Who is clean. Who is active. Who doesn’t view sex as fucking, but love making. Who drinks but not too often. Who does not smoke or do any form of drugs. Who can solve a rubix cube faster than me.





My list is so daunting. I know, but I write this for a reason, so I can figure out what I want. What I need. What is good for me.

* Read from my earlier (less mature?) blogs
* Family tradition

Growing -UP- Gay

I am sure that every gay, man, child, or whoever who has a blog has in someone way expressed their experiences as growing up gay. Yet I have not done this. Any particular reason? Not sure. But now I believe it is my turn to post my coming of age tale, full of mellow drama, self loathing and discovery.
When did I know I was gay. Consciously I didn't know I was gay until high school. Looking back now I see how gay I was as a child. I guess I was somewhat effeminate, similarly to how I am now. I always got along with girls too well, and had to many "girl friends" in grade school. Though I wasn't afraid to play somewhat dangerous games with friends, I would always have the predisposition to cry. When ever I felt upset I would cry. Which for me as a child was often apparently. As I grew my friends remained the same. Though some friends grew distant new friends contributed their similar values, morals and attitudes; these people were my quote unquote nerdy click. I am proud to say that I am still close friends with my grade school pals, but more about them later. As I was saying, In middle school I was a total nerd. I played the Flute (skin flute? no not yet) and the Alto saxophone. The only reason I actually started playing the sax was because someone made a comment about my sexuality and playing the flute, I know childish but it still made me cry. During this time I pretended to like girls. I would never say "oh she is so hot" or "I would do her," I mean I was a fairly shy kid. But if my friends found out a girl liked me and if they asked if I liked her, my immediate response was "YES." During eighth grade I had a girl friend and believed in god ( I don't capitalize god for a reason). We never did anything. I didn't want to, and I could never bring myself to use someone like that. I pretended to like girls, I wanted to love god and for him to love me, but it didn't happen. I hated myself for a while. In my freshman year of high school I came out to close friends that I was Bi. Lets just say that if you tell one person then pretty much everyone knows. I was terrified anyone knowing. I thought if one person knows then everyone will know, including my parents. Though I am sure they already had a strong inclination seeing how they have caught me with gay porn before in 6th or 7th grade. Either way I couldn't handle anyone knowing besides the people I trusted. Others who found out scared me, but all i did was I play it off as a joke. I made it seem like it was no big deal. When in reality it was me struggling to figure out who I was.
I told people this because I liked a boy. His name was Andrew Phan. We talked for hours about everything imaginable. I liked him and he liked me, it was mutual. Until, that is, he broke it off. I know! How heart wrenching. We never did anything besides hold hands. I wasn't ready for anything else. Later that year a close friend of mine told everyone I was gay. Straight up queer. That wasn't that great of an experience. However, my bad times were not forced on by anyone else but myself. I felt so wrong. So un-natural. Not until the end of my junior year or the beginning of my senior year did I finally accept myself. And not until I graduated did I have a relationship. And what a relationship it was. His name was Jack, and even though he was 2 years younger than me he was the guy for me. We talked constantly. One day we were talking on facebook, it was late and I wanted to talk to him in bed. I asked for his number. I know how sly. We talked into the wee hours of the night. though my sleep schedule took a heavy hit, my heart was all a flutter. We started going out on the June 14th, two days after his birthday. The four months that were together were glorious. We were each-others. We loved and made love. Talked about our future. Though the ending was sour the journey was oh too sweet. That line not only sums up my first relationship, but also my entire gay coming of age. I unnecessarily hated myself for so long. I Was so scared of what my future would behold. However now, I am waiting, just waiting for Mr. Perfect to sweep me off my feet. We all deserve a happily ever after. Yeah that sounds a tad optimistic but who ever said there was problem with dreaming.

Peace,
Graeme

P.s. I know I am young and "naive" but I know what I want. Though I am still learning through the relationships that I am forming today and will continue to form I still know where I want to end up. Where I expect myself to end. Where I must end up.

I cant wait

What I can Offer. . .

1. I am caring
2. I will protect you
3. Naturally good smile
4. Cute
5. I can cook and bake
6. I am skinny
7. I am a runner
8. I am healthy
9. I am Devout
10. I always love first
11. I am playful
12. I love Board games
13. I am always be up for a game of scrabble
14. I don't like to be inside for long periods of time
15. But I could spend all day with you in bed
16. I love being the little spoon, but I am not afraid of versatility
17. I can dance
18. I love to wrestle
19. I will always be there for you
20. I don't believe in lying
21. I don't drink often
22. I am drug free and always plan on being ( I don't even like pain pills)
23. I love your arms around me
24. I love to kiss
25. I get turned on by turning on others
26. I have been told I am the best at blow jobs
27. I will always want to be with you
28. I will be happy every time I receive a text from you
29. I love the snow
30. I am not afraid to "get down and dirty"
31. I have a lot of friends
32. I have a loving family
33. I like dogs not cats
34. I am a good listener
35. I have a big heart
36. I don't play video games
37. I will always take care of you
38. I love the rain
39. I am a fairly good photographer
40. I don't have a lot of sexual experience
41. I love the outdoors
42. If I don't become a doctor I want to be a high school teacher
43. I am a nerd
44. I have some fashion sense
45. I always believe that things will get better
46. I believe in love
47. I will always want to fall asleep with my head on your chest
48. I have a dildo
49. I am afraid to be vulnerable
50. I will always think of you

All I want

All I want from you is your honesty. Your devotion. And your love. Three simple things that make my world go round. When the time is right I will love you. I will be there for you. I will never judge you. I am simply a shoulder for you to cry on, an ear to listen about your day and your stories, and arms to hold you. I am yours and you are mine. We are each others.

My dream...

In the morning we wake up in each others arms. Tangled. You whisper you love me and kiss me passionately. We never want to leave the bed. But we must. I make you breakfast as you feed our children and our dog. When its my turn to take the kids to school you hold me and kiss and you never want to let go. When we are at work I look down at the picture of us on the beach. We have on content faces as your arms drape over my shoulders. Encased in that black frame is us in love.

When we are all at home, you begin to cook dinner as I go for my run. When I am done and exhausted I go shower but not alone. You join me. You kiss my neck and squeeze me close.


We have the delicious dinner you made. Watch a movie with the kids. Tuck them in and read them one of the many children's books we have amassed over the years.

We crawl into our oversized bed together. You pull me close and I put my head on your chest. I listen to the thumpa thumpa of your heart beat as we both drift off into a content sleep.

This goes on for years. We share Christmases and birthdays and endless nights of love. We witness our children grow and find families of their own, making ours even bigger and even more full of love. When we die we die with peace knowing that we loved and loved entirely. Living our lives how we wanted them to be lived. Thank you for your love.

Hope

"Our scars become our beauty marks"- Gianluca

One of my dear friends said this to me one day. I thought it was Beautiful and very telling. I wanted to share it with anyone who bothers to read me.

I want this quote to be true. I want the things that shape us, that change us, that make us who we truly are to be our defining traits. Our trails and tribulations make the scars, give us experiences and ultimately change our perspectives. Though they may for a majority be the very things that we hate about our self I am certain that the one person we were meant to love and who was meant to love us will adore the scars we have and see them as merely apart of us entirely. When you find someone like this, who accepts you entirely not someone who glosses over your character but embraces you and loves you for you marry them. That is true love. Unequivocally. Love like that can not be faked. Meaning it must be true, true as anything else in the world. I believe that just as there is great evil in the world or terrible events that take place I do still believe that love prevails. This hope is something I stand by. I believe we are all meant to do something, whether it be curing a disease, fixing a wrong, cleaning your conscience. There is always something beautiful to behold.

My Religion--

I was at one time a religious person. Though I never formally went to church I still believed in a god. In heaven. Or that I was damned to hell for the rest of eternity. I prayed and wanted to be different. Oh god did I want to change. In eighth grade I went to a church retreat with my friends church. I felt so out of place. I can vividly remember wanting to get baptized, I wanted to be clean, new, straight. But I never did. I realized that as people put their hands in the sky try to be closer the their god I felt so distant. I knew that this wasn't for me. Why should I believe in something that makes a good majority of gay children hate themselves.
Now I would call myself Atheist. I don't believe in god. No matter how secular, liberal or any you spin the religion it still makes me feel less than worthless. When I decided to no longer believe I promised myself to instill morals and values which I hold to be steadfast. I do not believe whatsoever that in order to be a quote unquote good person you must be religious. Though I know there is no such thing as altruism I know I want to do good in the world.
Sometimes I wish I could believe. I feel like it would be so much easier to believe that after life there is something even more glorious to look foreword to. I wish I could believe that the dead relatives who I love were watching over me. I wish I could do these things because being an optimist on rationality alone is daunting and leaves me ultimately alone in my views, thoughts and perspectives. When my mom was in her car accident or when my dad was in the hospital or even during my brothers many allergy attacks I pray. I pray to whoever, whatever anything that may hear me to spare my family. They are everything to me and I would undoubtedly die for them. I don't believe in a higher power. I just wish there was one. I pray to myself that there could be something better. I don't, can't be jaded. I can't live knowing that the world is just utter shit. I don't believe that. There is always something beautiful to behold. I know I can make a difference, I have to, otherwise what am I worth: nothing. I guess we will see.

love,
Graeme

Resolutions

Go Camping
Go Hiking
Bake and Cook more
Look for an apartment with Ronnie
Learn more Knitting patterns
Get a Job
Join a club/ Sports Team
Compete in a Marathon
Train for a Marathon
Drive in Movies
Go to Canada
Go to Comicon
Go to the Harry Potter Theme Park
Volunteer more often
Blog
Do Better in School
Have a Social Life
Go on some Dates
Read 5 Books
Have regular SPA days
Jam out to music more frequently
Not Burn in the sun
Remember Sun Screen
Get Gay friendly summer clothing
Start to Learn French
Use my Bike
Come up with more handshakes
See more movies
Read the news more often
Become Leaner
Take Spring and Summer Photos
Get a Summer Job