I cant believe you could just leave me. Just let me go like that. Do I really mean that little to you? You told me you love me but now I see that is impossible. If you love someone you don’t treat them like this. It kills me what you have put me through. I have no closure. You played me. You used me. You are the scum of the earth. People like you will never be happy, will never settle. I deserve better than this. A phone call. FUCK YOU. 9 months of my life was wasted on you. It makes me sick that I gave you heart and then you could throw it away so easily, move on so easily. I will always regret loving you. I let down my wall. You never did, you let me believe you did, kept everything to yourself, and then just shrugged me off like an old, used, worn jacket. All I want to do to is love you, and be with you but you don’t want to be with me. You don’t want to be my boyfriend. You have been playing me so long. I never believed that you loved me, I am so grateful that I was right, I was never surprised. I hate you. I hate the way you make me feel. How you treated me, and how you could just move on like nothing happened. Like I never existed.
Goodbye Forever,
Graeme
Wednesday, December 8, 2010
Monday, October 18, 2010
I guess
So most of the time that I write on this blog its because I am depressed and sad and right now I am feeling all those things. I don't know if I will feel better anytime soon, all I can do is sit and wait. Recently I have had some trouble in my life, I guess you can say it centers around me actually saying what I want... So I thought I would just say it. Everything that I can think of. For as long as I can remember. Here it goes..
I want...
A husband
A dog
A love that can conquer any distance
Someone to bring me flowers when I don't feel good or just to make me feel special
For someone to make me dinner
A full body massage
Life Long friends
A career
To travel
To be thought of
To know I am being thought of
To be considered
To be taken care of when I am sick
To be held
To be whispered all the things someone loves about me
To travel
To go on an adventure
To make a name for myself
To be caressed
To be covered in butterfly kisses
To be proposed to
To have a house
To hold hands in public
To have a family
To be kissed in public
To fall asleep on the couch or where ever and be carried and put to bed
To be told "I love you" every night
To have a body worth showing
Someone to hold me when I cry
To make love
To feel weak in the knees
To lose control
To sleep deeply
To never be angry
To trust
To let go
To love
To learn
To have a job
To get in to medical school
To know what I think and feel matters not just to me
To see a result
To have my efforts recognized
To get what I want...
To give someone else what they want
To have money
To conquer a fear
To eat healthier
To be told "I love you" or "your beautiful" for no reason
To take a leap of faith
To be married
To grow old with 'him'
To know I am secure
To not have to worry
To not worry
To not be so guilty
To never be lied to
To be told the truth
To be able to take criticism
To know someone is proud of me
To know 'he' is proud of me
To be appreciated
To be understood
To be accepted
To wake up next to 'him'
To never fear breaking up
To never hear the words "I don't love you anymore" again
To be talked to
To not having to start a conversation
To allow my self to be loved
To do the right thing
To do what someone wants
To not to assume so often
Someone to assume what I want
Someone to do things for me. Little things. Like getting me a glass of water without me having to ask
To curl next to a warm fire
To share a Kiss in the snow
To be together during a storm
To be given something for no reason besides love
To sleep peacefully with 'him'
To learn many languages
To not be so hostile
To not be so mean
To not have such high expectations
To have a lot of photos together
To do things together
To know you mean what you say
To not be misconceived
To not be told what to do
To accept
To take blame
I am sure I have more, but alas...
I want...
A husband
A dog
A love that can conquer any distance
Someone to bring me flowers when I don't feel good or just to make me feel special
For someone to make me dinner
A full body massage
Life Long friends
A career
To travel
To be thought of
To know I am being thought of
To be considered
To be taken care of when I am sick
To be held
To be whispered all the things someone loves about me
To travel
To go on an adventure
To make a name for myself
To be caressed
To be covered in butterfly kisses
To be proposed to
To have a house
To hold hands in public
To have a family
To be kissed in public
To fall asleep on the couch or where ever and be carried and put to bed
To be told "I love you" every night
To have a body worth showing
Someone to hold me when I cry
To make love
To feel weak in the knees
To lose control
To sleep deeply
To never be angry
To trust
To let go
To love
To learn
To have a job
To get in to medical school
To know what I think and feel matters not just to me
To see a result
To have my efforts recognized
To get what I want...
To give someone else what they want
To have money
To conquer a fear
To eat healthier
To be told "I love you" or "your beautiful" for no reason
To take a leap of faith
To be married
To grow old with 'him'
To know I am secure
To not have to worry
To not worry
To not be so guilty
To never be lied to
To be told the truth
To be able to take criticism
To know someone is proud of me
To know 'he' is proud of me
To be appreciated
To be understood
To be accepted
To wake up next to 'him'
To never fear breaking up
To never hear the words "I don't love you anymore" again
To be talked to
To not having to start a conversation
To allow my self to be loved
To do the right thing
To do what someone wants
To not to assume so often
Someone to assume what I want
Someone to do things for me. Little things. Like getting me a glass of water without me having to ask
To curl next to a warm fire
To share a Kiss in the snow
To be together during a storm
To be given something for no reason besides love
To sleep peacefully with 'him'
To learn many languages
To not be so hostile
To not be so mean
To not have such high expectations
To have a lot of photos together
To do things together
To know you mean what you say
To not be misconceived
To not be told what to do
To accept
To take blame
I am sure I have more, but alas...
Friday, July 9, 2010
~~Things that scare me ~~
Death *not mine
Failing
Falling
Falling out of love
Being cheated on
Being forgotten
Hurting myself
Getting lost
Driving
Parasites
Heights
Not being loved
Breaking and entering
Spiders
Authority
Clowns
Anthropomorphic figures
Swimming in open water
SHARKS!
Voldemort
Never reaching my goals
Letting go
The closet
The world
The unknown
Lack of preparation
Mold
Dying young
Losing friends and lovers *unless I want to
Money
Bugs
Public speaking
Tests
Not trying
Speaking up
How I think of myself…
Failing
Falling
Falling out of love
Being cheated on
Being forgotten
Hurting myself
Getting lost
Driving
Parasites
Heights
Not being loved
Breaking and entering
Spiders
Authority
Clowns
Anthropomorphic figures
Swimming in open water
SHARKS!
Voldemort
Never reaching my goals
Letting go
The closet
The world
The unknown
Lack of preparation
Mold
Dying young
Losing friends and lovers *unless I want to
Money
Bugs
Public speaking
Tests
Not trying
Speaking up
How I think of myself…
Thursday, June 3, 2010
~~The Mean Girls ~~
This weeks post… Mean Girls
Yes that’s right Mean Girls . . . I know I know that so many of you have seen this movie. But have you experienced. Have you realized the power within? This isnt just any teen drama. It’s a coming of age gay classic. Cult classics only come around once in a blue moon and here children is the newest addition.
This movie for me was a revolution… It wasn’t like anything I had ever seen. I thought at the time that I was the only boy who watched it. Who found the dynamic between the girl, gay and male characters to be completely riveting. I wanted to have this life (to an extent). I wanted to have a group of friends like Janyce Ian (dyke), Damian (too gay to function), and even Cady Heron (Plastic, Bitch). I wanted to be comfortable with myself. To be open.
Being open for me has always been difficult. I have never been open with my feelings, or how I thought. I always bottled it up and stored it away. I could always feel my guilt and my pain gnawing at my insides but I just moved on. Through the years this built and every now and then I would “implode” and move on. I would try my best to keep my feelings from others, but I am getting better. I am learning to open up. I am learning to be loved and to be cared for. Thank you to those who have loved me and continue to love me throughout the years
Oddly enough my happiness this year can be tied to this goddess-like movie; Mean Girls. With it I have had countless experiences and made life long friends. I would like to thank that crazy bitch Tina for bringing this gospel into my life.
Love,
Graeme
Yes that’s right Mean Girls . . . I know I know that so many of you have seen this movie. But have you experienced. Have you realized the power within? This isnt just any teen drama. It’s a coming of age gay classic. Cult classics only come around once in a blue moon and here children is the newest addition.
This movie for me was a revolution… It wasn’t like anything I had ever seen. I thought at the time that I was the only boy who watched it. Who found the dynamic between the girl, gay and male characters to be completely riveting. I wanted to have this life (to an extent). I wanted to have a group of friends like Janyce Ian (dyke), Damian (too gay to function), and even Cady Heron (Plastic, Bitch). I wanted to be comfortable with myself. To be open.
Being open for me has always been difficult. I have never been open with my feelings, or how I thought. I always bottled it up and stored it away. I could always feel my guilt and my pain gnawing at my insides but I just moved on. Through the years this built and every now and then I would “implode” and move on. I would try my best to keep my feelings from others, but I am getting better. I am learning to open up. I am learning to be loved and to be cared for. Thank you to those who have loved me and continue to love me throughout the years
Oddly enough my happiness this year can be tied to this goddess-like movie; Mean Girls. With it I have had countless experiences and made life long friends. I would like to thank that crazy bitch Tina for bringing this gospel into my life.
Love,
Graeme
Friday, March 12, 2010
Revelations~~
The motivation of this blog has been building. For the past couple of days I have been through a proverbial roller coaster of emotions. Lately I haven’t really been unable to cope with them. So when I am with my friends Ronnie and Lauren it’s the only time I let loose. Yet it seems that the way I act hasn’t been very well received. I know I can be annoying or child like. But that mainly because I can’t deal with the hailstorm of emotions which recently plagues my life, so I revert. I don’t really know what to do. I am at a loss of words and I don’t really know where to turn to. I cant turn to my friends because I know they are getting tired of me. I cant turn to my parents… because they are my parents. I don’t really know who to talk to. I guess there is always professional help… Nevertheless, I don’t want to be “that kid who goes to a therapist.” Don’t get me wrong I understand that talking to professionals helps, but at the same time I have an internalized stigma with talking to therapists. By asking for help I think I am giving into being screwed up to the extent that I need someone else to pick me up. I don’t really know. Does it make me even more screwed up for thinking that?
Basically I started thinking of this post when my friend Gianluca called me a whore. Sincerely he thinks that I am, and because he is my friend I of course started my own evaluation of my past relationships. I have realized that my only healthy relationship was Jack. I have “been” with three people since coming to college. I hate that number. At first I was always able to say one. I liked having the idea that I retained some innocence. Then Kurt happened. What a mistake. And Kurt led me to Jason and then back to Kurt. And now I can add Chad to the list. I have only made love to Jack. He was my first love. My first kiss. My first relationship. And remains my only love. The other boys I feel like were filler. I wanted to retain the same relationship that Jack and I had even though we were no longer together. I am in love with relationships. I am still in love with Jack. And the same time.. I hate myself for feeling this way. For being weak; needing someone or depending on someone to make me happy. I have made so many mistakes in my life, and Jack was the only choice that I will never regret. He is the boy that I compare others too. I don’t want to be some gay whore, who blows other guys after knowing them for hardly anytime at all. I am so embarrassed. I know I am better than this. I know I will one day fall in love again. I know this will happen. I act this way, ‘’whoreish’’ I guess you can call it, because I am actively looking for my next love. I want to jump into things. Into relationships, intimacy, love. I am a whore for love. And I hate it. I want to feel whole again. Not like one half to a puzzle. I need my missing pieces . . .
Basically I started thinking of this post when my friend Gianluca called me a whore. Sincerely he thinks that I am, and because he is my friend I of course started my own evaluation of my past relationships. I have realized that my only healthy relationship was Jack. I have “been” with three people since coming to college. I hate that number. At first I was always able to say one. I liked having the idea that I retained some innocence. Then Kurt happened. What a mistake. And Kurt led me to Jason and then back to Kurt. And now I can add Chad to the list. I have only made love to Jack. He was my first love. My first kiss. My first relationship. And remains my only love. The other boys I feel like were filler. I wanted to retain the same relationship that Jack and I had even though we were no longer together. I am in love with relationships. I am still in love with Jack. And the same time.. I hate myself for feeling this way. For being weak; needing someone or depending on someone to make me happy. I have made so many mistakes in my life, and Jack was the only choice that I will never regret. He is the boy that I compare others too. I don’t want to be some gay whore, who blows other guys after knowing them for hardly anytime at all. I am so embarrassed. I know I am better than this. I know I will one day fall in love again. I know this will happen. I act this way, ‘’whoreish’’ I guess you can call it, because I am actively looking for my next love. I want to jump into things. Into relationships, intimacy, love. I am a whore for love. And I hate it. I want to feel whole again. Not like one half to a puzzle. I need my missing pieces . . .
Thursday, March 11, 2010
What the huh~~
So this blog is going to be fairly sporadic ... not really a direction again. But still a pressing manner. Are any of you interested in ominous facebook messages for the ex aka Jack. Well I hope you are...
I'm sorry that your life has hit a ruff spot and I'm sorry that I have
contributed to it. It seems that every time we talk I just end up
hurting you and I don't like that, so for now/for a while, this is
goodbye. I hope things get better and I wish you well, though I trust
that soon things will turn out beneficial to you.
-Jack
Yup that is right. I am officially going nuts. Why is it that my past keeps popping up out of the blue to bite me in the ass. Can I ever really put anything behind me. Will that ever be possible. Will I ever just move on.
I sure hope that you guys have some opinion on this because as of now I am at a loss. Tell me what you think. IT IS GREATLY APPRECIATED!!
I'm sorry that your life has hit a ruff spot and I'm sorry that I have
contributed to it. It seems that every time we talk I just end up
hurting you and I don't like that, so for now/for a while, this is
goodbye. I hope things get better and I wish you well, though I trust
that soon things will turn out beneficial to you.
-Jack
Yup that is right. I am officially going nuts. Why is it that my past keeps popping up out of the blue to bite me in the ass. Can I ever really put anything behind me. Will that ever be possible. Will I ever just move on.
I sure hope that you guys have some opinion on this because as of now I am at a loss. Tell me what you think. IT IS GREATLY APPRECIATED!!
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
Moving in and moving out~~
So once again it seems that I have taken another hiatus from blogging. However, this has no boy-motivation. I would blame the lethargy of a college student. So anyways… This post will merely be an update. Just me writing down my life and times of the past few weeks. There may be a little wiggle room for introspection, questions and concerns but for the most part I am trying to illustrate the lack of direction I have right now. I guess you can say it’s symbolic. I mean if I can’t come up with a proper blog post, then there must be something wrong with me.
• Accused for cheating on my Microbiology midterm
o I retook the test in a small room; just me and the professor
• I am scheduled to talk to the academic misconduct board on the 23rd of march (spring break) …. Wish me luck..
• Moved into an apartment with Ronnie Russel (Yay)
• Final are next week
• I have applied for more jobs
• I am as of late a coffee addict
o What happened to the body being a temple?
• I have the shitiest spring quarter schedule
• Jack (my ex) wants to talk to me
I know this is a terrible post. I just wanted to write something. But don’t worry I will think of something better that is worth both of our time.. In time at least.
• Accused for cheating on my Microbiology midterm
o I retook the test in a small room; just me and the professor
• I am scheduled to talk to the academic misconduct board on the 23rd of march (spring break) …. Wish me luck..
• Moved into an apartment with Ronnie Russel (Yay)
• Final are next week
• I have applied for more jobs
• I am as of late a coffee addict
o What happened to the body being a temple?
• I have the shitiest spring quarter schedule
• Jack (my ex) wants to talk to me
I know this is a terrible post. I just wanted to write something. But don’t worry I will think of something better that is worth both of our time.. In time at least.
Saturday, February 20, 2010
Hello ~~ I am Back BITCH
I know I know its been far too long since my last post. Lets just say that I have been going through something to say the least. Now I am feeling better. There is a spring in my step, the sun is shinning and my phone book has one less phone number. Thats right he is gone. Out of my life. Hopefully for a very very long time.
Sooo I am assuming you are all wondering what is new in my life. Well not much besides the fact that I found an apartment, I am looking foreword to new boys, I am looking for work, I am volunteering more and oh yeah my birthday is next weeeeek. On sunday. The 28th I cannot wait. I am sooooo excited.
So now that you have had the anecdote of catch up I am going to move on to the intended blog. I would call this a parental warning; but this blog is somewhat about sex. Seeing how I am single I feel like I have the right to fantasize.
I guess you can call this PART1 of many so here it goes:
Its the early morning. The day of my marathon. I woke up to the sound of the alarm clock buzzing. I was just laying there. In his arms. Our breaths were in perfect synch. I stretched and yawned and got up to get ready. I ate, showered, and was drying off when he surprised me in the bathroom. He came up behind me. Put his arms around my waste and kissed my neck. He whispered in my ear "your gonna do great today." I turned around, still in his arms and kissed him. I wanted to stay there forever but I had a race to run.
We got into our car and he drove me to the race. When we got to the parking lot I put on my shoes and he kissed me good luck. I got out of the car and started my warm up.
The race begins.
Throughout the race I can only think of one thing, getting back into my mans arms. It makes me run faster, and faster and faster. When I see him across the finish line I race as hard as I can to get to him. I cross the finish line and collapse into him. He picks me up and carries me to our car. We drive home.
At home we get into the shower together. We kiss each other passionately. From there we move to the bed. In our bed we spend an eternity. Exploring each others bodies and loving one-another entirely.
Sooo I am assuming you are all wondering what is new in my life. Well not much besides the fact that I found an apartment, I am looking foreword to new boys, I am looking for work, I am volunteering more and oh yeah my birthday is next weeeeek. On sunday. The 28th I cannot wait. I am sooooo excited.
So now that you have had the anecdote of catch up I am going to move on to the intended blog. I would call this a parental warning; but this blog is somewhat about sex. Seeing how I am single I feel like I have the right to fantasize.
I guess you can call this PART1 of many so here it goes:
Its the early morning. The day of my marathon. I woke up to the sound of the alarm clock buzzing. I was just laying there. In his arms. Our breaths were in perfect synch. I stretched and yawned and got up to get ready. I ate, showered, and was drying off when he surprised me in the bathroom. He came up behind me. Put his arms around my waste and kissed my neck. He whispered in my ear "your gonna do great today." I turned around, still in his arms and kissed him. I wanted to stay there forever but I had a race to run.
We got into our car and he drove me to the race. When we got to the parking lot I put on my shoes and he kissed me good luck. I got out of the car and started my warm up.
The race begins.
Throughout the race I can only think of one thing, getting back into my mans arms. It makes me run faster, and faster and faster. When I see him across the finish line I race as hard as I can to get to him. I cross the finish line and collapse into him. He picks me up and carries me to our car. We drive home.
At home we get into the shower together. We kiss each other passionately. From there we move to the bed. In our bed we spend an eternity. Exploring each others bodies and loving one-another entirely.
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
Dollar Sign $-$
The idea of money flickers through my mind every now and then. Lately it has been shoved down my throat. I hate it so much. I feel like a dollar sign, expected to shell out cash left and right in order to be part of the world. In my house (fraternity) at meetings all I hear is "you'll be fined for" this or that. It's just ridiculous, I didn't know that I would need money to fit in. To be able to be comfortable. I realize now that money is everything. It's entertainment. Travel. Being in high school this stuff was always in the back of my head. But now that I am in the real world. . . everything is so real, and expensive.
To live is to have money. I hate that so much. All I want to do is go to school, and eventually help people. I am so excited to be leaving the fraternity. I am not very good at taking orders from so called "brothers", I don't like being told to do this or that, and if I don't do it I am fined or punished. Especially when it includes me "having" to purchase a 45 dollar sweatshirt and if I didn't order I would be fined, and if I didn't want to pay I would be fined. God damn money why do you make me so crazy.
I suffer from Monetary Anxiety. Money freaks me out. I don't like it. I don't like the fact that I have to take out a loan every quarter just to live in seattle. Or that my schooling isn't completely covered when it should be. Or that I have to pay out of pocket for medication because my family can't afford medical insurance. I hate the fact that my mother and father can't get the surgeries that they need. I hate the fact that I haven't seen the dentist in 9 years. Or that next year I am on my own. What happened to the idea of the broke college student. I thought that was a constant. Yet I am still expected to pay for things I neither want nor need. I live for necessity. If I don't want it I won't get it, this is why I hate hate hate shopping. I think things will be better when the money isn't so pertinent. As of now however it is consuming my life. It scares me so much.
To live is to have money. I hate that so much. All I want to do is go to school, and eventually help people. I am so excited to be leaving the fraternity. I am not very good at taking orders from so called "brothers", I don't like being told to do this or that, and if I don't do it I am fined or punished. Especially when it includes me "having" to purchase a 45 dollar sweatshirt and if I didn't order I would be fined, and if I didn't want to pay I would be fined. God damn money why do you make me so crazy.
I suffer from Monetary Anxiety. Money freaks me out. I don't like it. I don't like the fact that I have to take out a loan every quarter just to live in seattle. Or that my schooling isn't completely covered when it should be. Or that I have to pay out of pocket for medication because my family can't afford medical insurance. I hate the fact that my mother and father can't get the surgeries that they need. I hate the fact that I haven't seen the dentist in 9 years. Or that next year I am on my own. What happened to the idea of the broke college student. I thought that was a constant. Yet I am still expected to pay for things I neither want nor need. I live for necessity. If I don't want it I won't get it, this is why I hate hate hate shopping. I think things will be better when the money isn't so pertinent. As of now however it is consuming my life. It scares me so much.
Monday, January 18, 2010
Home for the day
The past two days have been fairly great. Last night I hung out with a few of Varsity (my gays) also know as Gianluca, Aaron and Ronnie. We had Thai food, which was delicious. Went shopping. Did some homework. And watched Mean girls. What a great night. Today I went home, to Tacoma. Its my brothers birthday he is turning the big 1,6 and I wanted to be there.
While my parents were at a soccer game and my brother Andrew was on a date with his girlfriend I showered, expholiated, showered, moisturized, clear coated my toe nails. It was glorious. I feel so clean now, ready to go to dinner and celebrate my little brother’s birthday with the family.
Much Love,
Graeme
While my parents were at a soccer game and my brother Andrew was on a date with his girlfriend I showered, expholiated, showered, moisturized, clear coated my toe nails. It was glorious. I feel so clean now, ready to go to dinner and celebrate my little brother’s birthday with the family.
Much Love,
Graeme
Bandages
Just rip it off. Don’t beat around the bush, or lie to me to make me comfortable. Don’t betray me. I ask you to simply tell the truth. Watering it down, or using euphemisms are pointless. I am a big boy, I can take it. I am mature. Emotional, yes but I ask you to only respect me enough to treat me as a friend. If you care about me, do this, and I will show you the respect you deserve. I can be the greatest friend/lover/whoever in the world as long as truth is always and continues to remain on the table.
I trust too easily. I am not necessarily gullible but I will always try to trust and respect because that is what I was taught growing up. Almost everyone deserves it, and no one should be subject to prejudice.
Lies are for the weak. They are for those not ready for reality. To lie and spare feelings is ridiculous because the truth will eventually come out. The truth is that we are human. We all make mistakes. That is of course accepted. But accept the fact your human. Accept that no one is perfect. Lying masks your humanity. Stay human.
Peace out,
Graeme
I trust too easily. I am not necessarily gullible but I will always try to trust and respect because that is what I was taught growing up. Almost everyone deserves it, and no one should be subject to prejudice.
Lies are for the weak. They are for those not ready for reality. To lie and spare feelings is ridiculous because the truth will eventually come out. The truth is that we are human. We all make mistakes. That is of course accepted. But accept the fact your human. Accept that no one is perfect. Lying masks your humanity. Stay human.
Peace out,
Graeme
Saturday, January 16, 2010
Boys- Boys- Boys-
I have something to tell you. I like boys. I know surprising. But I am a boy- lover and a damned good one at that. I am not a promiscuous person or at least I don't want to be. I have tried the whole hook up thing*, and well, you can say that it didn't work out too well. So technically I have been with three people. Jack; my first boyfriend, my first kiss, the first boy I made love to, the first boy I gave my love to. Jason; a screw up, a one night stand, abysmal. Kurt; my current boy, someone I love spending time with, someone I need to learn more about.
Right now I am feeling really good. About everything. About school. My family. My friends. And as of now, my relationship with Kurt. Though I haven't been able to spend much time with him because of my Streptococcal pharyngitis infestation, (thank you Wikipedia) also known as strep throat, causing me to faint in the pharmacy as I bought my penicillin, were are still good. Because of this sudden change in my demeanor I decided to post this little blog. Which I dedicate to Lady Gaga for obvious reasons.
Guys--
How would I describe the boy of my dreams?
I don't go for the hot guy. Though he can be attractive. Get me hard. Or other things like that. I still don't find them someone I could be with. I know how biased. I have this terrible subjective idea of people who are really attractive know their really attractive and acting on it. Though I am sure that there are some very genuine hotties, I have yet to meet one.
I like nerds. Boys who like boys who like comic books, school their family, board games, reading, hiking, and nerd-gasming every now and then. I like boys who hold hands. Who love Sci-Fi and have collections. Who are healthy and athletic. Who like all types of movies. Who can get along with my family and his own. Who is taller. Goes to school and has a real goal in life. Who accepts my eccentricities and nuances. Wears glasses. Cares. Loves. Wishes. Wants. Dreams. Who has different favorite foods than me. Who has favorite TV shows (who doesn't say "I don't like TV", because I would feel guilty for watching far to much.) Who can kiss. Who every now and then doesn't shave so I can feel his stubble when we kiss. Who wants to put his arm around me in public or private. Who loves the rain as much as I do. Who is content being with me. Who has a hint of spontaneity. Who wants a family. Who wants children (and is okay naming our first born son Ralph*). Someone who has fashion sense, but who doesn’t care that I don’t. Who isn’t obsessed with musicals. Who likes sports; soccer. Who loves to learn and spend time with me. Who wants me to teach them how to cook. Who dances and will dance with me. Who like to take cute pictures (photo booths?). Who reads. Who knows about current events. Who has beliefs, values, morals (not necessarily religious but has spirituality). Someone who hasn’t been with many people. Who volunteers. Who can make me laugh. Who can make me feel safe. Who gets along with my friends as if they have known each other for years. Who loves giving and receiving massages. Who is clean. Who is active. Who doesn’t view sex as fucking, but love making. Who drinks but not too often. Who does not smoke or do any form of drugs. Who can solve a rubix cube faster than me.
My list is so daunting. I know, but I write this for a reason, so I can figure out what I want. What I need. What is good for me.
* Read from my earlier (less mature?) blogs
* Family tradition
Right now I am feeling really good. About everything. About school. My family. My friends. And as of now, my relationship with Kurt. Though I haven't been able to spend much time with him because of my Streptococcal pharyngitis infestation, (thank you Wikipedia) also known as strep throat, causing me to faint in the pharmacy as I bought my penicillin, were are still good. Because of this sudden change in my demeanor I decided to post this little blog. Which I dedicate to Lady Gaga for obvious reasons.
Guys--
How would I describe the boy of my dreams?
I don't go for the hot guy. Though he can be attractive. Get me hard. Or other things like that. I still don't find them someone I could be with. I know how biased. I have this terrible subjective idea of people who are really attractive know their really attractive and acting on it. Though I am sure that there are some very genuine hotties, I have yet to meet one.
I like nerds. Boys who like boys who like comic books, school their family, board games, reading, hiking, and nerd-gasming every now and then. I like boys who hold hands. Who love Sci-Fi and have collections. Who are healthy and athletic. Who like all types of movies. Who can get along with my family and his own. Who is taller. Goes to school and has a real goal in life. Who accepts my eccentricities and nuances. Wears glasses. Cares. Loves. Wishes. Wants. Dreams. Who has different favorite foods than me. Who has favorite TV shows (who doesn't say "I don't like TV", because I would feel guilty for watching far to much.) Who can kiss. Who every now and then doesn't shave so I can feel his stubble when we kiss. Who wants to put his arm around me in public or private. Who loves the rain as much as I do. Who is content being with me. Who has a hint of spontaneity. Who wants a family. Who wants children (and is okay naming our first born son Ralph*). Someone who has fashion sense, but who doesn’t care that I don’t. Who isn’t obsessed with musicals. Who likes sports; soccer. Who loves to learn and spend time with me. Who wants me to teach them how to cook. Who dances and will dance with me. Who like to take cute pictures (photo booths?). Who reads. Who knows about current events. Who has beliefs, values, morals (not necessarily religious but has spirituality). Someone who hasn’t been with many people. Who volunteers. Who can make me laugh. Who can make me feel safe. Who gets along with my friends as if they have known each other for years. Who loves giving and receiving massages. Who is clean. Who is active. Who doesn’t view sex as fucking, but love making. Who drinks but not too often. Who does not smoke or do any form of drugs. Who can solve a rubix cube faster than me.
My list is so daunting. I know, but I write this for a reason, so I can figure out what I want. What I need. What is good for me.
* Read from my earlier (less mature?) blogs
* Family tradition
Friday, January 15, 2010
Growing -UP- Gay
I am sure that every gay, man, child, or whoever who has a blog has in someone way expressed their experiences as growing up gay. Yet I have not done this. Any particular reason? Not sure. But now I believe it is my turn to post my coming of age tale, full of mellow drama, self loathing and discovery.
When did I know I was gay. Consciously I didn't know I was gay until high school. Looking back now I see how gay I was as a child. I guess I was somewhat effeminate, similarly to how I am now. I always got along with girls too well, and had to many "girl friends" in grade school. Though I wasn't afraid to play somewhat dangerous games with friends, I would always have the predisposition to cry. When ever I felt upset I would cry. Which for me as a child was often apparently. As I grew my friends remained the same. Though some friends grew distant new friends contributed their similar values, morals and attitudes; these people were my quote unquote nerdy click. I am proud to say that I am still close friends with my grade school pals, but more about them later. As I was saying, In middle school I was a total nerd. I played the Flute (skin flute? no not yet) and the Alto saxophone. The only reason I actually started playing the sax was because someone made a comment about my sexuality and playing the flute, I know childish but it still made me cry. During this time I pretended to like girls. I would never say "oh she is so hot" or "I would do her," I mean I was a fairly shy kid. But if my friends found out a girl liked me and if they asked if I liked her, my immediate response was "YES." During eighth grade I had a girl friend and believed in god ( I don't capitalize god for a reason). We never did anything. I didn't want to, and I could never bring myself to use someone like that. I pretended to like girls, I wanted to love god and for him to love me, but it didn't happen. I hated myself for a while. In my freshman year of high school I came out to close friends that I was Bi. Lets just say that if you tell one person then pretty much everyone knows. I was terrified anyone knowing. I thought if one person knows then everyone will know, including my parents. Though I am sure they already had a strong inclination seeing how they have caught me with gay porn before in 6th or 7th grade. Either way I couldn't handle anyone knowing besides the people I trusted. Others who found out scared me, but all i did was I play it off as a joke. I made it seem like it was no big deal. When in reality it was me struggling to figure out who I was.
I told people this because I liked a boy. His name was Andrew Phan. We talked for hours about everything imaginable. I liked him and he liked me, it was mutual. Until, that is, he broke it off. I know! How heart wrenching. We never did anything besides hold hands. I wasn't ready for anything else. Later that year a close friend of mine told everyone I was gay. Straight up queer. That wasn't that great of an experience. However, my bad times were not forced on by anyone else but myself. I felt so wrong. So un-natural. Not until the end of my junior year or the beginning of my senior year did I finally accept myself. And not until I graduated did I have a relationship. And what a relationship it was. His name was Jack, and even though he was 2 years younger than me he was the guy for me. We talked constantly. One day we were talking on facebook, it was late and I wanted to talk to him in bed. I asked for his number. I know how sly. We talked into the wee hours of the night. though my sleep schedule took a heavy hit, my heart was all a flutter. We started going out on the June 14th, two days after his birthday. The four months that were together were glorious. We were each-others. We loved and made love. Talked about our future. Though the ending was sour the journey was oh too sweet. That line not only sums up my first relationship, but also my entire gay coming of age. I unnecessarily hated myself for so long. I Was so scared of what my future would behold. However now, I am waiting, just waiting for Mr. Perfect to sweep me off my feet. We all deserve a happily ever after. Yeah that sounds a tad optimistic but who ever said there was problem with dreaming.
Peace,
Graeme
P.s. I know I am young and "naive" but I know what I want. Though I am still learning through the relationships that I am forming today and will continue to form I still know where I want to end up. Where I expect myself to end. Where I must end up.
When did I know I was gay. Consciously I didn't know I was gay until high school. Looking back now I see how gay I was as a child. I guess I was somewhat effeminate, similarly to how I am now. I always got along with girls too well, and had to many "girl friends" in grade school. Though I wasn't afraid to play somewhat dangerous games with friends, I would always have the predisposition to cry. When ever I felt upset I would cry. Which for me as a child was often apparently. As I grew my friends remained the same. Though some friends grew distant new friends contributed their similar values, morals and attitudes; these people were my quote unquote nerdy click. I am proud to say that I am still close friends with my grade school pals, but more about them later. As I was saying, In middle school I was a total nerd. I played the Flute (skin flute? no not yet) and the Alto saxophone. The only reason I actually started playing the sax was because someone made a comment about my sexuality and playing the flute, I know childish but it still made me cry. During this time I pretended to like girls. I would never say "oh she is so hot" or "I would do her," I mean I was a fairly shy kid. But if my friends found out a girl liked me and if they asked if I liked her, my immediate response was "YES." During eighth grade I had a girl friend and believed in god ( I don't capitalize god for a reason). We never did anything. I didn't want to, and I could never bring myself to use someone like that. I pretended to like girls, I wanted to love god and for him to love me, but it didn't happen. I hated myself for a while. In my freshman year of high school I came out to close friends that I was Bi. Lets just say that if you tell one person then pretty much everyone knows. I was terrified anyone knowing. I thought if one person knows then everyone will know, including my parents. Though I am sure they already had a strong inclination seeing how they have caught me with gay porn before in 6th or 7th grade. Either way I couldn't handle anyone knowing besides the people I trusted. Others who found out scared me, but all i did was I play it off as a joke. I made it seem like it was no big deal. When in reality it was me struggling to figure out who I was.
I told people this because I liked a boy. His name was Andrew Phan. We talked for hours about everything imaginable. I liked him and he liked me, it was mutual. Until, that is, he broke it off. I know! How heart wrenching. We never did anything besides hold hands. I wasn't ready for anything else. Later that year a close friend of mine told everyone I was gay. Straight up queer. That wasn't that great of an experience. However, my bad times were not forced on by anyone else but myself. I felt so wrong. So un-natural. Not until the end of my junior year or the beginning of my senior year did I finally accept myself. And not until I graduated did I have a relationship. And what a relationship it was. His name was Jack, and even though he was 2 years younger than me he was the guy for me. We talked constantly. One day we were talking on facebook, it was late and I wanted to talk to him in bed. I asked for his number. I know how sly. We talked into the wee hours of the night. though my sleep schedule took a heavy hit, my heart was all a flutter. We started going out on the June 14th, two days after his birthday. The four months that were together were glorious. We were each-others. We loved and made love. Talked about our future. Though the ending was sour the journey was oh too sweet. That line not only sums up my first relationship, but also my entire gay coming of age. I unnecessarily hated myself for so long. I Was so scared of what my future would behold. However now, I am waiting, just waiting for Mr. Perfect to sweep me off my feet. We all deserve a happily ever after. Yeah that sounds a tad optimistic but who ever said there was problem with dreaming.
Peace,
Graeme
P.s. I know I am young and "naive" but I know what I want. Though I am still learning through the relationships that I am forming today and will continue to form I still know where I want to end up. Where I expect myself to end. Where I must end up.
Thursday, January 14, 2010
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
What I can Offer. . .
1. I am caring
2. I will protect you
3. Naturally good smile
4. Cute
5. I can cook and bake
6. I am skinny
7. I am a runner
8. I am healthy
9. I am Devout
10. I always love first
11. I am playful
12. I love Board games
13. I am always be up for a game of scrabble
14. I don't like to be inside for long periods of time
15. But I could spend all day with you in bed
16. I love being the little spoon, but I am not afraid of versatility
17. I can dance
18. I love to wrestle
19. I will always be there for you
20. I don't believe in lying
21. I don't drink often
22. I am drug free and always plan on being ( I don't even like pain pills)
23. I love your arms around me
24. I love to kiss
25. I get turned on by turning on others
26. I have been told I am the best at blow jobs
27. I will always want to be with you
28. I will be happy every time I receive a text from you
29. I love the snow
30. I am not afraid to "get down and dirty"
31. I have a lot of friends
32. I have a loving family
33. I like dogs not cats
34. I am a good listener
35. I have a big heart
36. I don't play video games
37. I will always take care of you
38. I love the rain
39. I am a fairly good photographer
40. I don't have a lot of sexual experience
41. I love the outdoors
42. If I don't become a doctor I want to be a high school teacher
43. I am a nerd
44. I have some fashion sense
45. I always believe that things will get better
46. I believe in love
47. I will always want to fall asleep with my head on your chest
48. I have a dildo
49. I am afraid to be vulnerable
50. I will always think of you
2. I will protect you
3. Naturally good smile
4. Cute
5. I can cook and bake
6. I am skinny
7. I am a runner
8. I am healthy
9. I am Devout
10. I always love first
11. I am playful
12. I love Board games
13. I am always be up for a game of scrabble
14. I don't like to be inside for long periods of time
15. But I could spend all day with you in bed
16. I love being the little spoon, but I am not afraid of versatility
17. I can dance
18. I love to wrestle
19. I will always be there for you
20. I don't believe in lying
21. I don't drink often
22. I am drug free and always plan on being ( I don't even like pain pills)
23. I love your arms around me
24. I love to kiss
25. I get turned on by turning on others
26. I have been told I am the best at blow jobs
27. I will always want to be with you
28. I will be happy every time I receive a text from you
29. I love the snow
30. I am not afraid to "get down and dirty"
31. I have a lot of friends
32. I have a loving family
33. I like dogs not cats
34. I am a good listener
35. I have a big heart
36. I don't play video games
37. I will always take care of you
38. I love the rain
39. I am a fairly good photographer
40. I don't have a lot of sexual experience
41. I love the outdoors
42. If I don't become a doctor I want to be a high school teacher
43. I am a nerd
44. I have some fashion sense
45. I always believe that things will get better
46. I believe in love
47. I will always want to fall asleep with my head on your chest
48. I have a dildo
49. I am afraid to be vulnerable
50. I will always think of you
All I want
All I want from you is your honesty. Your devotion. And your love. Three simple things that make my world go round. When the time is right I will love you. I will be there for you. I will never judge you. I am simply a shoulder for you to cry on, an ear to listen about your day and your stories, and arms to hold you. I am yours and you are mine. We are each others.
My dream...
In the morning we wake up in each others arms. Tangled. You whisper you love me and kiss me passionately. We never want to leave the bed. But we must. I make you breakfast as you feed our children and our dog. When its my turn to take the kids to school you hold me and kiss and you never want to let go. When we are at work I look down at the picture of us on the beach. We have on content faces as your arms drape over my shoulders. Encased in that black frame is us in love.
When we are all at home, you begin to cook dinner as I go for my run. When I am done and exhausted I go shower but not alone. You join me. You kiss my neck and squeeze me close.
We have the delicious dinner you made. Watch a movie with the kids. Tuck them in and read them one of the many children's books we have amassed over the years.
We crawl into our oversized bed together. You pull me close and I put my head on your chest. I listen to the thumpa thumpa of your heart beat as we both drift off into a content sleep.
This goes on for years. We share Christmases and birthdays and endless nights of love. We witness our children grow and find families of their own, making ours even bigger and even more full of love. When we die we die with peace knowing that we loved and loved entirely. Living our lives how we wanted them to be lived. Thank you for your love.
My dream...
In the morning we wake up in each others arms. Tangled. You whisper you love me and kiss me passionately. We never want to leave the bed. But we must. I make you breakfast as you feed our children and our dog. When its my turn to take the kids to school you hold me and kiss and you never want to let go. When we are at work I look down at the picture of us on the beach. We have on content faces as your arms drape over my shoulders. Encased in that black frame is us in love.
When we are all at home, you begin to cook dinner as I go for my run. When I am done and exhausted I go shower but not alone. You join me. You kiss my neck and squeeze me close.
We have the delicious dinner you made. Watch a movie with the kids. Tuck them in and read them one of the many children's books we have amassed over the years.
We crawl into our oversized bed together. You pull me close and I put my head on your chest. I listen to the thumpa thumpa of your heart beat as we both drift off into a content sleep.
This goes on for years. We share Christmases and birthdays and endless nights of love. We witness our children grow and find families of their own, making ours even bigger and even more full of love. When we die we die with peace knowing that we loved and loved entirely. Living our lives how we wanted them to be lived. Thank you for your love.
Hope
"Our scars become our beauty marks"- Gianluca
One of my dear friends said this to me one day. I thought it was Beautiful and very telling. I wanted to share it with anyone who bothers to read me.
I want this quote to be true. I want the things that shape us, that change us, that make us who we truly are to be our defining traits. Our trails and tribulations make the scars, give us experiences and ultimately change our perspectives. Though they may for a majority be the very things that we hate about our self I am certain that the one person we were meant to love and who was meant to love us will adore the scars we have and see them as merely apart of us entirely. When you find someone like this, who accepts you entirely not someone who glosses over your character but embraces you and loves you for you marry them. That is true love. Unequivocally. Love like that can not be faked. Meaning it must be true, true as anything else in the world. I believe that just as there is great evil in the world or terrible events that take place I do still believe that love prevails. This hope is something I stand by. I believe we are all meant to do something, whether it be curing a disease, fixing a wrong, cleaning your conscience. There is always something beautiful to behold.
One of my dear friends said this to me one day. I thought it was Beautiful and very telling. I wanted to share it with anyone who bothers to read me.
I want this quote to be true. I want the things that shape us, that change us, that make us who we truly are to be our defining traits. Our trails and tribulations make the scars, give us experiences and ultimately change our perspectives. Though they may for a majority be the very things that we hate about our self I am certain that the one person we were meant to love and who was meant to love us will adore the scars we have and see them as merely apart of us entirely. When you find someone like this, who accepts you entirely not someone who glosses over your character but embraces you and loves you for you marry them. That is true love. Unequivocally. Love like that can not be faked. Meaning it must be true, true as anything else in the world. I believe that just as there is great evil in the world or terrible events that take place I do still believe that love prevails. This hope is something I stand by. I believe we are all meant to do something, whether it be curing a disease, fixing a wrong, cleaning your conscience. There is always something beautiful to behold.
Monday, January 11, 2010
My Religion--
I was at one time a religious person. Though I never formally went to church I still believed in a god. In heaven. Or that I was damned to hell for the rest of eternity. I prayed and wanted to be different. Oh god did I want to change. In eighth grade I went to a church retreat with my friends church. I felt so out of place. I can vividly remember wanting to get baptized, I wanted to be clean, new, straight. But I never did. I realized that as people put their hands in the sky try to be closer the their god I felt so distant. I knew that this wasn't for me. Why should I believe in something that makes a good majority of gay children hate themselves.
Now I would call myself Atheist. I don't believe in god. No matter how secular, liberal or any you spin the religion it still makes me feel less than worthless. When I decided to no longer believe I promised myself to instill morals and values which I hold to be steadfast. I do not believe whatsoever that in order to be a quote unquote good person you must be religious. Though I know there is no such thing as altruism I know I want to do good in the world.
Sometimes I wish I could believe. I feel like it would be so much easier to believe that after life there is something even more glorious to look foreword to. I wish I could believe that the dead relatives who I love were watching over me. I wish I could do these things because being an optimist on rationality alone is daunting and leaves me ultimately alone in my views, thoughts and perspectives. When my mom was in her car accident or when my dad was in the hospital or even during my brothers many allergy attacks I pray. I pray to whoever, whatever anything that may hear me to spare my family. They are everything to me and I would undoubtedly die for them. I don't believe in a higher power. I just wish there was one. I pray to myself that there could be something better. I don't, can't be jaded. I can't live knowing that the world is just utter shit. I don't believe that. There is always something beautiful to behold. I know I can make a difference, I have to, otherwise what am I worth: nothing. I guess we will see.
love,
Graeme
Now I would call myself Atheist. I don't believe in god. No matter how secular, liberal or any you spin the religion it still makes me feel less than worthless. When I decided to no longer believe I promised myself to instill morals and values which I hold to be steadfast. I do not believe whatsoever that in order to be a quote unquote good person you must be religious. Though I know there is no such thing as altruism I know I want to do good in the world.
Sometimes I wish I could believe. I feel like it would be so much easier to believe that after life there is something even more glorious to look foreword to. I wish I could believe that the dead relatives who I love were watching over me. I wish I could do these things because being an optimist on rationality alone is daunting and leaves me ultimately alone in my views, thoughts and perspectives. When my mom was in her car accident or when my dad was in the hospital or even during my brothers many allergy attacks I pray. I pray to whoever, whatever anything that may hear me to spare my family. They are everything to me and I would undoubtedly die for them. I don't believe in a higher power. I just wish there was one. I pray to myself that there could be something better. I don't, can't be jaded. I can't live knowing that the world is just utter shit. I don't believe that. There is always something beautiful to behold. I know I can make a difference, I have to, otherwise what am I worth: nothing. I guess we will see.
love,
Graeme
Resolutions
Go Camping
Go Hiking
Bake and Cook more
Look for an apartment with Ronnie
Learn more Knitting patterns
Get a Job
Join a club/ Sports Team
Compete in a Marathon
Train for a Marathon
Drive in Movies
Go to Canada
Go to Comicon
Go to the Harry Potter Theme Park
Volunteer more often
Blog
Do Better in School
Have a Social Life
Go on some Dates
Read 5 Books
Have regular SPA days
Jam out to music more frequently
Not Burn in the sun
Remember Sun Screen
Get Gay friendly summer clothing
Start to Learn French
Use my Bike
Come up with more handshakes
See more movies
Read the news more often
Become Leaner
Take Spring and Summer Photos
Get a Summer Job
Go Hiking
Bake and Cook more
Look for an apartment with Ronnie
Learn more Knitting patterns
Get a Job
Join a club/ Sports Team
Compete in a Marathon
Train for a Marathon
Drive in Movies
Go to Canada
Go to Comicon
Go to the Harry Potter Theme Park
Volunteer more often
Blog
Do Better in School
Have a Social Life
Go on some Dates
Read 5 Books
Have regular SPA days
Jam out to music more frequently
Not Burn in the sun
Remember Sun Screen
Get Gay friendly summer clothing
Start to Learn French
Use my Bike
Come up with more handshakes
See more movies
Read the news more often
Become Leaner
Take Spring and Summer Photos
Get a Summer Job
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